What is it about short white skirts that make every heterosexual male in the room look twice, convert even the most decent guy to a blustering idiot and make him lose all his inane capacity to think with his upper brain?
Saturday morning. I felt like waring a short white skirt as I passed my research proposal. I figured, even if my paper sucked, well, at least I looked GOOOOD. Upon seeing my attire, my Mom asked if I was going on a date. As if I needed the excuse of a date to wear a skirt.
Flashback to year 2002 when I was with this ex-boyfriend, Acne Vulgaris, who DEMANDED that I wear a skirt when we're together. He apparently didn't want to be mistakenly seen making out with a guy... Yeah, right. Blame your identity confusion to me, you closet bisexual, you!
Another flashback to year 2004 when I was with another ex-boyfriend, WrongAtAllLevels, who oggled me like I was dessert on the menu everytime I wore that short white skirt. We usually ended up doing a lot of hand wrestling, with him wanting to crawl his hands up my skirt and me trying to fend him off... Yes, I was dating an adolescent-still-trapped-in-a man's-body back then.
Of course, that didn't stop me from wearing that skirt when I was with him. Hehehe...
Going back to that fateful Saturday morning, as I paraded myself on the hallowed hallways of ZCMC, Maroon 5* saw me. "Uy, sexy, ah."
"Thanks," I replied, feigning a blush to suggest innocence. As if I didn't intentionally mean to look sexy but I just ended up that way by accident.
Yeah, right. I'm such a slut. I admit it. Big freakin' deal.
Another male resident called my attention, "Girl na girl tayo, ah."
"Girl naman po talaga ako, doc."
Oh, come on. Am I really that boyish that I need to wear a short white skirt to prove that I was born with no Y chromosome? So I know I don't really come out as the most feminine of creatures. When I wear pants, people think I'm boyish. I used to think it was the way I walked so I decided to retrain my gait and walk with a slight swaggle of my butt. It apparently didn't work at all because an OB resident still thought that I was actually a lesbian.
Me, a lesbian? Yeah, that would be the day.
Cute IW* actually stopped in his tracks and spent about 5 minutes making small talk with me, telling me I had sex appeal, while being touchy-feely all of a sudden... This short whie skirt is apparently geting me a LOT of male - wanted and unwanted - attention.
And it sure wasn't going to end there.
By evening, Maroon 5 texted me and apologized for not being able to pay more attention to me that morning because he was busy and that I was, and I quote "so pretty".
Hmmm... isn't this short white skirt amazing?
Sunday. Inspired by the day's events, I decided to wear the said skirt again the next day at a night out with a couple of my girlfriends. My brother saw me and said I looked ike a porn star...
I figured, what does he know? He's only 13.
As I walked into he restaurant, I could feel all eyes on me. Man, this skirt really is a guy magnet. Even when we transferred to another bar, the skirt was still letting its magical powers be known. I mean, I wasn't gifted with fabulous long legs and instead of gazelle-like thighs, I stood on two slabs of cellulite that apparently passed off as my lower extremities. But still, the short white skirt was working its magic on me like it was Blusang Itim and I was Snooky Serna.
And so I sashayed and sashayed in the magical short white skirt like Cinderella at a ball until it was time to go.
As I stood outsie the bar while one of my my friends talked privately with her boyfriend, I suddenly began to feel queasy. And nauseaous. And incredibly sick.
BWWWAAAAAAAARRRRRKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!
Repeat that four times with a 1-2 minute interval in between.
I had puked out everything that had passed into my gastointestinal system that night. Pieces of Chicken barbeque, rice, Potato mojos, onion rings, salted peanuts, mixed with water, Clam soup, Coke Light, San Miguel Beer Lights, all swam in a huge barf puddle at the sidewalk infront of my friend's boyfriend's bar. I had actually vomited after two freakin' bottles of light beer, while a bunch of dirty old men trying to get drunk stared at me and my friends watched me in disbelief, with their mouths wide agape.
What poise I had gathered wearing that short white skirt was now lost and replaced by embarassment and utter humiliation. Whatever admirers I had garnered with that short white skirt had now mysteriously disappeared after seeing that fateful incident.
Oh, well...
We did have a lot of fun, my short white skirt and I.
See you after the next washing.
*not their real name
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