Why I can't marry you now

First of all, let me start by saying that I love you. I had fallen for you even when I didn't want to. I had fallen for you despite the fact that I know you're totally wrong for me. I tried to play but ended up losing the game. I know I am probably screwed but I can't do anything about it. I fell hard and I was glad to see that you were there to catch me.

It gives me great pleasure that you have asked me to marry you plenty of times. I feel extremely lucky that you have chosen me. I sometimes think that this is all just a dream and that one day I'll wake up and realize that none of it happened. Being proposed marriage by someone that you love is a blessed thing and I treasure the fact that you have chosen to propose to me.

But it pains me to tell you that, Lasa, I cannot say yes.

You look at marriage differently. For you, it means stability. You see it as your next step towards the completion of your goals in life. I fear that for you, it doesn't matter who end up marrying. You're at an age where people are already expecting you to get married so you want to get married. You probably think that if things don't work out between us, you can always get a divorce. I, on the other hand, look at marriage differently.

I am so much younger than you so I am rather idealistic when it comes to marriage. I also come from a different religious background so I see marriage as something that should last forever. It is something binding, something lasting and that if things don't work out between us, we're supposed to work on it as much as we can. It is not just me accompanying you wherever you end up working or vacationing, like you wanted, the way your own parents do. It is not just your being able to understand if I choose not to convert to your religion. It is not just me choosing not to eat pork forever. It is not just you always taking care of me financially. It is not just me always taking care of your physical needs. It is not just us having children or having one family despite your religion allowing you to have more.

Marrige is a vow of commitment. It is being able to undertsand if I have to payback my scholarship in Zamboanga while you work outside. It is facing people and telling them about us. It is admitting to my classmates that yes, I am dating you, and being proud about it. It is choosing not to sleep with other girls despite the fact that they are extremely attracted to you. It is having to face my parents' wrath for marrying someone from another religion. It is learning how to read the other person's actions, despite what his or her words may be conveying. It is having great conversations or being happy together despite the silence. It is ending flirtations with other girls and not dating other guys. It is choosing to be with one person, to grow old with them, and to love them for the rest of their life.

We're still so far from all those things, Lasa. Alhough I greatly appreciate the fact that you have made the first step in wanting to meet my parents, despite the fact that I was reluctant to do so. I find that very sweet and suprising. I still have a lot of things I want you to know about me and you still have a lot of things to prove to me. Why don't we take it slow for a while and just see where life will lead us.

Lasa, I don't doubt that you love me. But I do doubt that you will want to love only me.