A week ago, I finally saw my ex-fiancee, WrongAtAllLevels, with his new girlfriend. He didn’t see me because I was in a Putik jeepney then and he was driving. Contrary to what I thought, it didn’t hurt as much as I had expected. It must be my flair for the dramatic that made me think that I would be breaking down the next time I see my ex- with his new girl. I expected a lot of waterworks and tears just flowing spontaneously down my face and the return of that familiar vise-like grip in my chest that I had been carrying with me for the first few weeks after we broke up. Strangely, the experience was actually anti-climactic. All I got was a nostalgic feeling which didn’t even last more than 5 minutes. After that, I just smiled at myself, thinking how fitting it was that Hale’s Broken Sonnet was playing in the background... Still, I see the tears from your eyes… Maybe I’m just not the one for you…
What does that mean? Why didn’t I start bawling at the sight of him? Does it mean that the 2 ½ years that we had wasn’t really worth that much? Does it mean I’m okay now? Does it mean I’m over him?
I honestly have no idea. I just know that, to be honest, I am happier and more fulfilled now without him in my life... Yes, I have to admit that, at times, it gets pretty lonely. Everyday, I wake up, knowing that there is no one special guy in this world who loves me... But strangely, I am still optimistic. I live by the idea that someday soon, there will be. Based from my experience, the new guy is always better than the one before him. And the next one to come along will be greater than any other guy whom I had loved and has loved me. HE WILL COMPLETE ME. Or if he won’t, maybe the next one will…
This was my last poem for WrongAtAllLevels, written days before he confessed to me about the 15-year-old girl he had been screwing around while I was away at Liloy for our community training…A valuable lesson to other girls out there: break up with the guy right away the first time he cheats on you. Don’t be like me, who kept on forgiving him repeatedly in the hopes that he won’t do it again. Trust me, he did it before and he will do it again…
Beginning Is The End
We’ve always lived in our own world
We were each other’s fantasy
A love that grew among the roots of incompatibility
We weren’t meant to catch up with reality
We please each other too much and lose our own identities
Frustration slowly creeps in
Uninvited, it fights and wins
We keep pushing ourselves
Reaching for something that’s not there
We have never accepted that our beginning was actually the end
We loved too much, we loved too soon
We thought we’ve found what was not lost
We settled for what’s less because of fear
Our own mistakes we thought were right
And now we face the painful realization that we fooled ourselves for years
That letting go was the wrong thing
And that the right love was the wrong one.
