Dammit! I still like him. What the freaking hell is wrong with me? There's no other word for this than "stupidity". There are so many other fishes in the sea. But when he talks to me, I'm drawn. DRAWN to him like mosquito on flypaper.
Stop it, NYTM. You're just threading on very dangerous grounds...
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Love Lettters
Belated Happy Valentine's Day to everybody! I was From duty yesterday so I spent most of my Valentine's Day catching up on my sleep. I had a few text messages but I was too deep in slumberland to reply. Sorry to everybody who texted and whom I wasn't able to reply. Hehehe...
Anyway, in line with yesterday, I will be writing loveletters to my ex-boyfriends, these guys who used to bring so much color into my own Valentine's Day. But of course, considering that I am still friends with one of them, their names will be kept confidential.
Letter No.1
Dear Baby Boy,
You are the guy whom I will always think fondly of. Even if things never worked out between us, and you broke my heart, you will always have a special place in it. We were too different from each other then, thus, it was no wonder that things didn't work out between us. If we meet again today, maybe you'l see that we are more alike now. Still I will rather not open the doors that have already been closed. For the truth is, there were things about you that irritated the hell out of me. Things that at first attracted me, but in the long run, I felt like I wanted to run away from you. Small insignificant details that may be ignored by one who loves you deeply. But I guess I wasn't because I was superficial enough to let those small things bother me. So I'm thanking you for breaking my heart. We truly weren't meant for each other but I will gladly treasure the moments that we had with each other. We had a lot of firsts, you and I, and those memories will always be treasured in my heart. I hope you have a great life and that you truly find the girl who will finally make you very happy.
Letter No. 2
Dear Acne Vulgaris,
I miss you. To say that you weren't the most good-looking one among my ex-boyfriends would be an understatement but still, there are nights when I think of you and whether I occasionally occupy your thoughts as much as you occupy mine. Sometimes, I wonder how we ended up that way. How was it that somewhere in the middle of all that lust and friendship, I fell for you and why is it that it had to take my going away for you to admit to me that you had fallen for me too? To be perfectly honest, you were really an ass most of the time. You made me pay for most of our dates, you would only go out with me when it was convenient with your schedule, you had never even accompanied me home, your tactlessness was a real mood downer. Still, I loved the way you wouldn't fight with me when I was trying to start a fight and how you made me laugh when I was mad at you. I had never had a boyfriend who could do that. And I missed it.
I have no idea what has happened to you. I hope you haven't married yet. Not that I want to get marrried to you. We'd definitely have a lot of kids but we'd probably not last too long. Truth is, I would like you to be my last fling before I get married. Are you free?
Hope to see you soon. I'm looking forward to it.
Letter No. 3
Dearest WrongAtAllLevels,
Sometimes i think why we lasted that long. We were just too different from each other. Or maybe we were only attracted to some fragments of each other's personality, but we weren't willing to love each other as a whole person. It was no wonder that things didn't work out between us, no matter how we tried. Truth is, despite my saying yes, I wasn't really ready for marriage yet. I somehow knew at the back of my mind that our relationship wouldn't last. Still, I said yes and went along with your excitement because it made me happy to see you happy. I am very thankful that things between us didn't work out because if it did, there was a great possibility that I would have my moment of clarity at the most unfortunate time, like our wedding day, for example, and end up ditching you instead at the altar.
So, thank you for breaking up with me. If you didn't, I wouldn't have realized how unhappy I was with you. I have never realized until lately that the end of our relationship was the best thing that could've happened to me. I am now happier, sexier and more contented with my life. I am finally living my life the way I wanted to and nobody was there to stop me.
I am finally free of your ball and chains. Thank you.
Letter No. 4
Dearest Rain,
I have no idea what has happened to you. Knowing you, I expect that you are now a father who is either happily married or forced to be married because you got some girl pregnant. Don't deny it. I know you too well. Whatever is the case, I hope you are happy as much as I am now.
I sometimes think that maybe we had met at a wrong time. We met at a time that I was still too sweet, too young and too innocent. Your aggressiveness, instead of turning me on, was scaring the hell out of me back then. If we had met a little later, when I already did some growing up, maybe we would have lasted a litle longer... Or maybe not. The "Fofe John Faul" thing is just too much to ignore. I don't think I would be able to last in a good converation, with a guy who mispronounces his Ps as Fs, without busting into laughter.
Falling Inlove with Pablo Neruda
As I read my mails, I fell upon this poem from my highschool classmate's blog. I have never been touched as much by any other poem as this one did. What kind of girl will not fall for a guy who will quote you lines of "If You Forget Me", even if he claims to have written those lines for you, when you know very well that it was by Pablo Neruda? Who cares? As long as he quotes these lines verbatim, he's a keeper. I mean, not a lot of guys appreciate poetry nowadays.
My sister once told me that if she found a guy who will play the song "The First Time I loved Forever", and narrate that poem by e.e. cummings, on her wedding day, then it is a sign that he IS "The One" .
My sign is this poem.
If you forget me
by Pablo Neruda
I want you to know one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
As I read my mails, I fell upon this poem from my highschool classmate's blog. I have never been touched as much by any other poem as this one did. What kind of girl will not fall for a guy who will quote you lines of "If You Forget Me", even if he claims to have written those lines for you, when you know very well that it was by Pablo Neruda? Who cares? As long as he quotes these lines verbatim, he's a keeper. I mean, not a lot of guys appreciate poetry nowadays.My sister once told me that if she found a guy who will play the song "The First Time I loved Forever", and narrate that poem by e.e. cummings, on her wedding day, then it is a sign that he IS "The One" .
My sign is this poem.
If you forget me
by Pablo Neruda
I want you to know one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
Broken Pieces 2
Despite my previous decision to supposedly quit my infuation with Medtech Boy, lest I want to get my heart broken once again, I occasionally find myself thinking about that thing that happened with Medtech Boy, Klaudia and me at the laboartory.
Don't get me wrong. I'm somewhat over it. Emphasis on SOMEWHAT. A few nights ago, as a product of an overactive imagination, I couldn't help thinking of how I could've turned that tragic scene around to my advantage.
Scenario: This is one day after the incident and upon the request of one of my residents on duty, I go to the laboratory to follow-up lab results.
And the rest would be history...
Of course, like I said, this is all a product of my overly active imagination. We all know that in the end, I probably won't get the guy. Mangarap na lang ako. Hahahahaha...
Don't get me wrong. I'm somewhat over it. Emphasis on SOMEWHAT. A few nights ago, as a product of an overactive imagination, I couldn't help thinking of how I could've turned that tragic scene around to my advantage.
Scenario: This is one day after the incident and upon the request of one of my residents on duty, I go to the laboratory to follow-up lab results.
Me: Hello. (Pretending not to be affected by the sight of him, even if he ha removed his white blazer and was only wearing a thin white t-shirt that showed off the well-formed pectorals, V-shaped trunk
and well-delineated linea alba and rectus abdominis)
Medtech Boy: Hi.
Me: Can I have the CBC results of __________, _________ and _________? Can you include the Urynalisis of ______________ and Stool Exam of ______________ and _____________.
Medtech Boy: Sure.
(He looks around for the lab results among the different colored boxes in his counter, and hands them to me.)
Medtech Boy: Where's your friend who was with you the other day? The one asking for the crossmatching results?
Me: (Pretending to be cool about it) Ah, Klaudia. I don't know. We're from different departments... Why do you ask? You like her?
Medtech Boy: (smiles). She's pretty..
Me: (Still smiling throughout the hurt, don't want him to notice that I was jealous) But, the thing is, she has a boyfriend. Are you okay with beinga 3rd party?
Medtech Boy: Oh, really?... How about you? Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: (Smiles) No.
Medtech Boy: Me too, I don't... So, how about you and me...? (smiles)
Me: (Laughs)... Sure, why not?
And the rest would be history...
Of course, like I said, this is all a product of my overly active imagination. We all know that in the end, I probably won't get the guy. Mangarap na lang ako. Hahahahaha...
Broken Pieces
So much for my HUMONGOUS crush on Medtech Boy.
After days of wasting my body spray and powder on the offchance that I might see him any minute, leg pains from frequently following up laboratory results at the lab, uneasiness of being flirted with by the wrong Medtech Boy, our paths have crossed once again.
Of course, destiny had nothing to do with it. i decided instead to accompany a friend, Klaudia Koronel, at the Laboratory since she was supposed to check-up on the cross-matching of her blood - which she was going to be donating - and the blood of a patient of Dr. Balido, as suggested by Ella.
Medtech Boy was there alright. In fairness, he was very accomodating to us. Klaudia had a lot more thing to do with the task at hand so I let her do all he talking. Besides, you know me when I'm around guys I like, I have a tendency to develop muteness. Okay lang sana... until I noticed that Klaudia - my good friend and fellow Silucapian -was flirting with him. And he was flirting as well.He wasn't looking at the two of us anymore, only with Klaudia .
Ay nahhh... andu baysab si NYTM...
I knew that I didn't have any right to him in the first [place. It was only a stupid crush. Still, i have to admit that it kinda hurt, for a lot of reasons, the following being:
1. Nostalgia. Once again, a guy is stolen from me.
2. Medtech boy was more interested with my friend than me
3. Klaudia already knew that he was the guy that I was crushing heavily on but still, she continued flirting with him.
4. Medtech boy was flirting back with one of my very good friends
Ouch to the max!
So, while they were there talking to each other, there I was at the background, picking up the pieces of my very very very broken heart from the floor.
It would have hurt less if I found out he had a girlfriend. It would have hurt less if Klaudia didn't sense already that he was the guy I was crushing on. I would have hurt less if Klaudia and I weren't friends. But none of the above mentioned are true. Sigh... and i thought, I had a new prospect.
That's what I get for going to the Laboratory with someone prettier than me.
Hehehe... dammit, prospect na, naging bato pa!
Yishhhh...
After days of wasting my body spray and powder on the offchance that I might see him any minute, leg pains from frequently following up laboratory results at the lab, uneasiness of being flirted with by the wrong Medtech Boy, our paths have crossed once again.
Of course, destiny had nothing to do with it. i decided instead to accompany a friend, Klaudia Koronel, at the Laboratory since she was supposed to check-up on the cross-matching of her blood - which she was going to be donating - and the blood of a patient of Dr. Balido, as suggested by Ella.
Medtech Boy was there alright. In fairness, he was very accomodating to us. Klaudia had a lot more thing to do with the task at hand so I let her do all he talking. Besides, you know me when I'm around guys I like, I have a tendency to develop muteness. Okay lang sana... until I noticed that Klaudia - my good friend and fellow Silucapian -was flirting with him. And he was flirting as well.He wasn't looking at the two of us anymore, only with Klaudia .
Ay nahhh... andu baysab si NYTM...
I knew that I didn't have any right to him in the first [place. It was only a stupid crush. Still, i have to admit that it kinda hurt, for a lot of reasons, the following being:
1. Nostalgia. Once again, a guy is stolen from me.
2. Medtech boy was more interested with my friend than me
3. Klaudia already knew that he was the guy that I was crushing heavily on but still, she continued flirting with him.
4. Medtech boy was flirting back with one of my very good friends
Ouch to the max!
So, while they were there talking to each other, there I was at the background, picking up the pieces of my very very very broken heart from the floor.
It would have hurt less if I found out he had a girlfriend. It would have hurt less if Klaudia didn't sense already that he was the guy I was crushing on. I would have hurt less if Klaudia and I weren't friends. But none of the above mentioned are true. Sigh... and i thought, I had a new prospect.
That's what I get for going to the Laboratory with someone prettier than me.
Hehehe... dammit, prospect na, naging bato pa!
Yishhhh...
Medtech Boy
I've been crushing heavily - as in, HEAVILY - on this Medical Technology student at the Laboratory. The whole thing stared when dear Dr. Bravo - whom my classmates hated, but who's company reminded me of Paul a lot, which of course, means that we have a good friendly relationship as well, compared to the rest - asked me to call a medtech at the laboratory to do a stat peripheral smear of one of his patients . So, here I am, ready to bombard them with my pa-sweety - or rather, pa-SITTI - charm to convince them to do the procedure ASAP when in comes the guy they assigned to do the procedure.
Cuteee!
I call him Medtech Boy, simply because I don't know his name.... Yes, I know. What kind of a crushee does that make me when I don't even have the basic facts on my crush? Hehehe...
Medtech Boy and I walked the occasionally narrow, occasionally wooden, frequently rocky pathway to Ward 8. Being the friendly person - or maybe, I should say, the correct term is FLIRTY? - he began making conversation with me along the way. In those few minutes, I developed certain butterflies on my stomach. As we discussed the frugalities of having a female medical clerk as his escort, I started wishing that I should have woken up early and taken a bath instead of sleeping off the morning after our tiresome 24 hour duty. Bakit From Duty pa ako nang saka nagkrus ang aming landas? It felt strange, having that exciting feeling in the pit of your stomach, once again. Strange yet, nice. I began to realize that hmmm... I like him. He looked harmless, like a good boy, very friendly and accomodating. Of course it helped a lot that he was cute. So, I treasured those few minutes of alone time with him.
Honestly speaking, we weren't really alone since we were after all, walking from the Laboratory to Ward 8. Hoards of people were passing by unnoticed right infront, behind and beside us. But of course, I was floating in Cloud 9. Like I noticed any of them.
Upon arrival at the Ward, I left him to do his work while I proceeded to do my own assigned duties. I finished mine first, but I didn't leave the ward yet. I don't know what came over me. I'm generally very shy whenever I like a guy and he doesn't know that I like him. I always ALWAYS wait for the guy to make the first move. Yet, I blame the lack of further thinking on the lack of sleep and the eagerness on the rush of endorphins, that caused me to seek for Medtech Boy in the entire ward - at that time, he had moved on to another patient - approach him, tap him at the shoulder to get his attention and personally thank him.
I thanked him for doing his job. How obvious can I get?
He just laughed and said it was nothing.
Of course, this post doesn't end here. The next day, we crossed paths again, me after eating lunch, him, with his friends, going out to lunch. I smiled at him and he smiled back at me. His friends teased him mercilessly about it.
Do I see sparks?... I think so.
A possible date for Valentine's Date?... Maybe.
Wedding bells?... Hello? I'm not that crazy.
It feels great to have one's feet walking on the clouds once again...
Cuteee!
I call him Medtech Boy, simply because I don't know his name.... Yes, I know. What kind of a crushee does that make me when I don't even have the basic facts on my crush? Hehehe...
Medtech Boy and I walked the occasionally narrow, occasionally wooden, frequently rocky pathway to Ward 8. Being the friendly person - or maybe, I should say, the correct term is FLIRTY? - he began making conversation with me along the way. In those few minutes, I developed certain butterflies on my stomach. As we discussed the frugalities of having a female medical clerk as his escort, I started wishing that I should have woken up early and taken a bath instead of sleeping off the morning after our tiresome 24 hour duty. Bakit From Duty pa ako nang saka nagkrus ang aming landas? It felt strange, having that exciting feeling in the pit of your stomach, once again. Strange yet, nice. I began to realize that hmmm... I like him. He looked harmless, like a good boy, very friendly and accomodating. Of course it helped a lot that he was cute. So, I treasured those few minutes of alone time with him.
Honestly speaking, we weren't really alone since we were after all, walking from the Laboratory to Ward 8. Hoards of people were passing by unnoticed right infront, behind and beside us. But of course, I was floating in Cloud 9. Like I noticed any of them.
Upon arrival at the Ward, I left him to do his work while I proceeded to do my own assigned duties. I finished mine first, but I didn't leave the ward yet. I don't know what came over me. I'm generally very shy whenever I like a guy and he doesn't know that I like him. I always ALWAYS wait for the guy to make the first move. Yet, I blame the lack of further thinking on the lack of sleep and the eagerness on the rush of endorphins, that caused me to seek for Medtech Boy in the entire ward - at that time, he had moved on to another patient - approach him, tap him at the shoulder to get his attention and personally thank him.
I thanked him for doing his job. How obvious can I get?
He just laughed and said it was nothing.
Of course, this post doesn't end here. The next day, we crossed paths again, me after eating lunch, him, with his friends, going out to lunch. I smiled at him and he smiled back at me. His friends teased him mercilessly about it.
Do I see sparks?... I think so.
A possible date for Valentine's Date?... Maybe.
Wedding bells?... Hello? I'm not that crazy.
It feels great to have one's feet walking on the clouds once again...
Why Me?
Why is it that just when you have decided to get a guy off your mind, he does something that makes your heart pitter-patter once again? He touched my hand, a few seconds of skin-to-skin contact of his hand with my own, and I am like putty in his hands.
Arghhh!
It's just like when you have decided to quit smoking and here comes someone giving you a free pack of cigarettes.
No, seriously. I don't want to be immersed in this madness anymore. I have too many other more important things in my plate. There's the clerkship, my family, my friends, my... ahmm... clerkship again...
So, what if my life is currently boring without a boyfriend? Boys are nothing but migraine-triggers anyway. So what if I have nothing to look forward to after a hectic day at the hospital? I can always sleep off that thought.
So what if I've been in dry season for almost... let's see... forever? So what?!!!
For those who don't get it yet, hello?!!! This is sarcasm at its finest.
Why is it that just when you have decided to get a guy off your mind, he does something that makes your heart pitter-patter once again? He touched my hand, a few seconds of skin-to-skin contact of his hand with my own, and I am like putty in his hands.
Arghhh!
It's just like when you have decided to quit smoking and here comes someone giving you a free pack of cigarettes.
No, seriously. I don't want to be immersed in this madness anymore. I have too many other more important things in my plate. There's the clerkship, my family, my friends, my... ahmm... clerkship again...
So, what if my life is currently boring without a boyfriend? Boys are nothing but migraine-triggers anyway. So what if I have nothing to look forward to after a hectic day at the hospital? I can always sleep off that thought.
So what if I've been in dry season for almost... let's see... forever? So what?!!!
For those who don't get it yet, hello?!!! This is sarcasm at its finest.
In Denial
I don't want to like him anymore.
I'm through with this madness. It's sooo not worth it. I don't care anymore if he continues flirting wih me. I will stand firm and be immune to all the sweet words and fallacies. I will look away everytime he smiles at me. I will pretend that I didn't see him when our paths would cross. I don't want anybody to play with my feelings, nor my mind, anymore...
He now means nothing to me.
I'm through with this madness. It's sooo not worth it. I don't care anymore if he continues flirting wih me. I will stand firm and be immune to all the sweet words and fallacies. I will look away everytime he smiles at me. I will pretend that I didn't see him when our paths would cross. I don't want anybody to play with my feelings, nor my mind, anymore...
He now means nothing to me.
Progress Notes on My So-called Lovelife
Maroon Five asked me out!
It was on a group date - or rather, more like a group outing - and it was through text, but he asked me out! As in, he seriously asked me out. He really does like me! Yipee!
Of course, an invitation coming from a charming and extremely flirty successful man like him, who turns out to be my superior, shouldn't be taken seriously at all. It shouln't even count because guys like him spew out invitations left and right like tissue paper.
While here I am, getting giddy all over like a little schoolgirl for being asked out on a date.
Hihihihihi...
It's not as if I could come anyway. It was the day before Christmas so, I couldn't get out of the house anymore.
Thus, I had to say no. Thankfully, he did say, maybe next time we could go out on a date, just the two of us. I just laughed and told him to take care. He asked why I laughed. I didn't know what to say anymore so I ignored his message.
Dammit! I really am giving him the wrong signals here. To think, when I saw him this morning and he made akbay to me, I was too busy to even entertain him so I didn't say anything at all. Shiyet... he probably thinks I'm not interested.
Leche...
I'm totally screwing this whole thing up with him...
It was on a group date - or rather, more like a group outing - and it was through text, but he asked me out! As in, he seriously asked me out. He really does like me! Yipee!
Of course, an invitation coming from a charming and extremely flirty successful man like him, who turns out to be my superior, shouldn't be taken seriously at all. It shouln't even count because guys like him spew out invitations left and right like tissue paper.
While here I am, getting giddy all over like a little schoolgirl for being asked out on a date.
Hihihihihi...
It's not as if I could come anyway. It was the day before Christmas so, I couldn't get out of the house anymore.
Thus, I had to say no. Thankfully, he did say, maybe next time we could go out on a date, just the two of us. I just laughed and told him to take care. He asked why I laughed. I didn't know what to say anymore so I ignored his message.
Dammit! I really am giving him the wrong signals here. To think, when I saw him this morning and he made akbay to me, I was too busy to even entertain him so I didn't say anything at all. Shiyet... he probably thinks I'm not interested.
Leche...
I'm totally screwing this whole thing up with him...
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