Listen Quietly and Hear Your Uterus Weeping

Zoe,* the 8-year-old daughter of our Dean’s secretary frequently hung out at the Board Review Room. In her tender age, she was perpetually curious and incredibly inquisitive. It takes a whole lot of patience and concentration to be able to entertain her most of the time. Her favorite game was trying to scare the hell out of me by sneaking into the Board Review Room as quiet as a mouse and saying “Hi” loudly behind my back.

Whenever she was around, I could hear my uterus crying.

LOL. Just kidding.

Being with Zoe reminded me of my own childhood. I was a scruffy kid with hassle-free hair, whose mother was a working mom who had no time to fix my hair up in braids or bows before class. I played Chinese garter after school, was a pretty fast runner, loved working on 3000-piece puzzles and handsewing little clothes for my Barbie dolls. Because my mother was big on making us mini-geniuses, instead of toys, we got complete sets of Encyclopedia and a scientific calculator for Christmas.

I would like to believe that I wasn’t really a bad kid, I think I was rather well-behaved. My mother was incredibly strict and we were – and still are – afraid of her. Oh, there were the occasional punching my yaya’s breasts at the age of 5 (which was probably the reason why she quit), crawling under tables and chairs at the age of 6, sticking a pair of scissors into an electric socket and stapler-ing my own index finger just for curiousity at the age of 7, punching my four-year-old sister in the stomach at the age of 8 and jumping out of a running motorcycle at 9 and getting my foot stuck on the pedal with my thigh sticking to the "tambucho" while I was being half-dragged for a couple of feet and my thigh was slowly being barbequed.

But in general, I wasn’t really that bad as a kid.

Now, as an adult, well, that’s a different story. Hehehe...

I was spending some time with the 4-year-old son of our ex-helper, and I was amused by how easy it was to make him happy. I came home a little earlier than usual and was planning to spend the rest of the afternoon napping when instead I ended up fooling around and taking pictures with him. The thing is, I’m curious about kids. Take note, the term is CURIOUS. It’s the biological clock, maybe. I’m not really sure though if I want them soon because let’s face it. I’m incredibly selfish. I have things I have yet to do and stuff I have yet to buy that I still want to prioritize than spending it on expenses for a new baby. Second, I feel as if I still have too many things to learn about raising them. A good friend told me that once you have your kid, you just learn to do the right things. Spoken by someone who hasn’t raised a kid yet. But seriously, I don’t want my kid’s personality to be the product of a trial and error upbringing. Third, I suck at trying to instill discipline. I don’t wanna hurt my kids’ feelings but I yell when I’m really furious. I wouldn’t know how to best deal with a kid with tantrums. When my brother has a hissy fit, I prefer ignoring him. I don’t think that would work with someone younger than 14. Finally, and this is the biggest reason why I’ll probably hold off on having kids for a while, I’m really scared that if I had a daughter, she would be exactly just like me. Then I’d probably be running like crazy to my mother, weeping in her arms, finally realizing just how difficult I have made things for her as a perpetually stubborn and occasionally wayward daughter.

Of course, the fact that I haven’t met my potential sperm donor yet also counts. Hehehe…

Missing the Younger Me

I miss wearing my white blazer and white pants.
I miss going to the library to actually do research and not just to use the Internet, writing on the blackboard, the Learning Issues and having to fake your way through two hours of discussion regarding something you weren’t able to read the night before because you accidentally fell asleep.

I miss parties.
I miss dressing up for a party, and asking people what they’ll be wearing, where they’ll be having their hair fixed, asking other girls how I should have my hair done or what design of dress should I buy. I miss having to “prettify” one’s self, like as if I’m going on a date, minus the making out afterwards.

I miss the carefree atmosphere of a party, where everybody is just excited to eat Jackie’s famous Black Zambo, or simply waiting for JR to take out one of his Dad’s Emperador Brandy from the cabinet, or having to raise your voice just so everybody can hear you over the noise and laughter. I miss the loud music, the constant teasing, the easy bantering among friends. I miss leaving the house at 8-9 PM and being out drinking, eating, smoking (and practically doing almost everything my mother wouldn’t approve of) until past 1 AM.

I miss the Videoke singing and Dara taking out her pre-written list of Videoke songs and Sitti singing her ever-famous “All This Time.” I miss the Videoke showdowns with Shaf and Ice saying “Picture-picture” as she takes out another one of her hi-tech digital cameras from one of her pink bags. I miss swimming and the water games, eventhough deny it or not, I know I’m the last one picked for teams (Yes, may tinatago akong galit because of that, which is why I choose not to join anymore. Hmp!... Hehehe, just kidding…).

And the food… Gahddd… I miss the food…

I miss going out to dinner after class and not thinking about the upcoming exams (or in some cases, thinking but not caring)... Hell, nobody celebrates their birthdays anymore. And even if they did, the party doesn’t even last for more than two hours – because apparently people have to go home to study. Hmp!

I miss the Backstreet Boys dancing and the consecutive vomiting, the “Matira ang Matibay: Itayo ang Bandila ng Silucap” Alcohol Drinking Competition, the interbarangay overnights, the ever-naughty “Slime” and mysterious “Igorota” of AdeZ SOM textchatting Liloy chapter, the Globe Unlitext surveys, playing table tennis while drinking, playing badminton (and watching Ice and Elgie flirting while pretending to play badminton).
I miss Liloy.

I miss travelling to Siay, to Naga, to Molave, Pagadian, Cagayan, Dapitan.

I miss wearing red on Valentine’s Day.

I miss the parades.

I miss going out with my classmates just because it’s still too early to go home (even if that was actually a set-up that ended with me joining my so-called spiritually enlightened friends to pray the 14 Stations, much to my own surprise).

I miss Jay-R. Hell, nobody sees him anymore. LOL…
I miss rice. And not caring about my weight.
I miss not being a medical student.

I miss my mid-20’s (and sooo not looking forward to my 30’s).