Confessions of A Jerk Magnet

I always end up dating the bad boys.

You know, boys that I know are totally wrong for me. I don't know why.

I met my first boyfriend, Rain, while waiting for a jeepney to school. He made sukob to my umbrella and got my phone number and home address before he had even gotten off the jeepney. A naive 17-year-old was certainly no match for this 23-year-old Speedy Gonzales who had hands and a mouth that quickly wanted to venture to illegitimate places, despite my disapproval. That certainly didn't last long and by the second month, I was already avoiding his phone calls and preparing my speech of "Narealize ko na hindi pala kita minahal."

My second boyfriend, Baby Boy, nice, sweet and sentimental as he was, was two years younger than me. I was in college, he was in 3rd year highschool. Things were pretty great until he stepped into college and realized that he didn't want me to be his first and last girlfriend. His need to broaden his horizons and to check out the other fishes in the sea led to our break-up. End of story. Ayoko ng magsalita dahil baka mabasa niya blog ko. Hahaha... Peace tayo, Dong! Hehehe...

My relationship with my third boyfriend, Acne Vulgaris, my co-intern during my last month rotation, lasted for seven months. Seven months of us never even telling each other "I love you". Because he was always broke, I was always the one inviting him to go on a date, therefore, end up paying for both of us. When we bumped into his relatives at Megamall, and they asked if I was his girlfriend, his exact words were "Hinde. Friend ko lang." It was quite easy to break up with him after that, before I went back to Zamboanga City, reasoning that I wasn't into a long-distance relationship. It did made me feel a little guilty when during our last conversation, he told me that of all the girlfriends that he had, I was the nearest to the one he wanted to spend his life with... Ganon? I never even felt it, gago.

My fourth boyfriend and ex-fiancee, WrongAtAllLevels, was the devil incarnate. I thought he was THE ONE considering that he would be different from all the other guys that I have dated since he was my first taste of Grade-A Zamboangueno meat. I lived through the two years and seven months of insecurity, impossible demands, lack of freedom, limitations, heated and very loud arguments, flirtations and foiled attempts at courting other women, a botched marriage proposal and I still ended up on the losing end, after he had fallen inlove with a minor who was 10 years younger than him. He was certainly the biggest mistake of my life and my biggest regret was that I should have ended my relationship with him sooner.

Now, I'm dating another guy who I know is also wrong for me. Lasa's nice, very sweet, a litle too serious than I would have preferred but he has his funny moments, who sees something in me that I probably don't see (Which is probably a good thing, right?), who believes - even if I don't - that I have a lot of untapped potential (like in making a Book Report, Hahaha...). He's a lot like me except for the fact that I find a lot of things funnier, I like going out more and that I have never dated more than one person at the same time. Despite knowing that he's wrong for me, I find myself more attracted to him each day. Kasalanan kasi ni Kupido yan. Hehehe...

So, what do all these guys have in common?

1. Except for No. 5, they are all the youngest in the family.

2. They are all notorious players. Or in the case of No.2, a flirt.

Why, oh, why do I end up dating these guys? Is it because the wrong guys are attracted to me? Is it because I don't see myself being happy with a good guy? Is it because the good guys have run out? Is it because the wrong guys are so much fun to be with? Is it because I find good guys ugly or boring? Is it because I fall inlove too easily? Is it because I really am a jerk magnet?

I must be doing something wrong with my life if I always keep ending up with these type of guys. Don't I deserve din naman the chance to meet a guy who knows he can make me cry but will never ever try to do so?

Kahit ganito lang ako, naghahanap din ako ng soulmate...

A day in the life of a not so typical medical student #1

Boredom makes you do a lot of things. It makes you skip a previously set arrangement to go with classmates to the Department of Health to look for some material for your research (Sorry, Seph, Janet, Allen... tinamad po ako lumabas. Hehehe...). It makes you search for your old highschool class webpage on the Internet and have a laugh over your old pictures (I looked like crap by the way. Thankfully, my classmates looked just as bad as I did. Hehehe...). It makes you smoke inside your bedroom, when you knew very well it takes hours for the smell of smoke to dissipate in your bedroom because there is no exhaust and the area is cramped and miniscule. It makes you glad that a classmate is coming over to your house, even when you had to skip lunch and munch on Chippy and Coke instead, just to work hard in helping in the editing of her research paper.

By the way, Jackie, pag nanalo yan best research, may porsyento ako. Hahaha...

I would like to thank God, by the way, (Naks! What a religious post! Probably my first and last religious post. Hahaha...) for making me pass my first comprehensive exam, despite my two-day cramming and haphazard - or more like, lack of - study habits. One down, two more to go. I made a deal with God that if he helped me pass this exam, I will do my best to study better for the next two exams. So, guys, no more Videoke for me. No more Beerkada nights. No more gimik with highschool friends. No more dates... Hmmm... On the other hand, that may still be negotiable. I have my needs too. Bwahahaha... Inspirational needs baya! Kung ano-ano na ang inakala niyo, ano? Mga madudumi ang isip! Hehehe...

Still, if the Videoke kids (namely me, Shaf, Nor and Ella) all passsed, we must be doing something right. So, why should we disrupt the old system, di ba? Hahaha... Naghanap talaga ng excuse para lang makapag-Videoke, ano?

Congrats to all who passsed! We did it, guys! Only two more to go!

When I told Lasa the news, he tells me this, word for word, "Matalino ka naman. Why don't you try using all your potential and read an entire medical book cover-to-cover and then make a summary?"

I was about to laugh, when I realized that he wasn't kidding. Nyarks! Hindi pala yun joke. Hehehe... That's one of the things I adore about him. Only he can come up with these sort of crazy ideas and actually be serious about it. Hahaha...

Lasa, naman... Hello?! Wala sa hobbies ko ang gumawa ng BOOK REPORT, ha?

Speaking of HIM, I was out with him today to watch Pirates of the Caribbean. Funny movie, by the way, if you're into pirates and those sort of thing (which I'm not, but still, it was funny). We were going up to the 3rd floor in the escalator when Someone We Both Knew (SWBW) saw us. SWBW, who was strolling along the 2nd floor, called him. He waved to SWBW, laughed and mouthed conversation over my head. I was just too much in shock so I did not turn my head at all and proceeded to just look straight ahead. These are one of those times when I could have used my cellphone as a prop para kunwari busy texting but I couldn't because I ended up forgetting it at home. Huhuhu... I missed my cellphone kahit na 3120 lang yun. I have gotten used to being physically and mentally attached to it. Hehehe...

Going back to the story at hand, I don't know if SWBW saw me - I'm afraid he did - but I had a new haircut so I'm hoping he didn't recognize me. Hahaha...

Asa ka pa, NYTM

Sigh... Bahala na... With us dating in public, I guess I should just get used to this...

We had dinner at Manang Terry's afterwards. He eats really fast so he finished earlier than I did. He then asks me, "Hindi ka sanay magkamay, ano?" I laughed and ended up blushing. Nahiya naman ako. I never realized until now that it shows pala that I can't eat using only my hands very well. After all, eventhough I do prefer to eat using a spoon and fork, I do eat at the Baybay Barbequehan by hand. When my classmates and I go to the beach, I also eat by hand with them. Nobody has said anything to me about it before. Until now. Thankfully, he just laughs and tells me "Masanay ka na. Mas masarap kasi kumain ng nagkakamay pag gutom ka na talaga."

Hmmm... Does this mean that we will be together for a looong time, that we will get married but starve because he is incredibly maluho or simply, that we will be eating together by hand frequently? =)

Reminder to self: Must practice eating by hand.

Hahaha... the crazy things we do for love...

It's my research proposal presentation tomorrow. If the panel denies my paper again, I will kill myself. I actually worked hard for that paper, although not as much as I could have (Hmmm... There must be something to what HE frequently says about my not using up all my potential. Hehehe...), but I know I worked my ass off on that. Well, at least for three days. Hehehe... I hate research! I hate it from the bottom of my heart!

I'm off to work on my OHP slides. Wish me luck for tomorrow!

Until next time... Peace out!

Eh, kasi Sunday


I've always been understanding naman to him and his many strange quirks. He after all, does makes up for it when he can and I can really see the efforts. That is why I haven't been able to stop myself from feeling what I already feel for him. Sometimes I feel like I'm just dreaming up all these and that one day, I'll wake up and realize that none of it was true. Being with him is great... Pero isa lang naman talaga ang reklamo ko:

Ang boring niya talaga paminsan!

I wanted to go out and do something - as in, anything! - outside the house. Because he had a previous engagement yesterday, he cancelled our movie date and said we'll watch on Sunday instead. I was honestly looking forward to it because I was already incredibly bored and I don't like to be cooped up at home the whole weekend.

Unfortunately, what he did instead was show up at my house unexpectedly, walk up to our terrace and take a seat (when he could've just stayed in his wheels so that I didn't have to answer stupid questions from my parents later this evening), tell me tinatamad siya lumakad kasi Sunday is rest day (Hello! Kaya ka nga lalakad kasi rest day mo, gago!) and spent 15 minutes with me making senseless conversation, while avoiding our pet dogs (He's afraid of being bitten kasi). Tapos, after a quick smack on the lips, umuwi na ang loko.

I was left at home, still bored out of my mind, pissed off because I was looking forward to getting out of the house, annoyed that he could be this boring, and oh, yeah, did I say I was bored?

Arghhh! Tama ba namang irason na tinatamad ka lumakad kasi it's Sunday?

Why I can't marry you now

First of all, let me start by saying that I love you. I had fallen for you even when I didn't want to. I had fallen for you despite the fact that I know you're totally wrong for me. I tried to play but ended up losing the game. I know I am probably screwed but I can't do anything about it. I fell hard and I was glad to see that you were there to catch me.

It gives me great pleasure that you have asked me to marry you plenty of times. I feel extremely lucky that you have chosen me. I sometimes think that this is all just a dream and that one day I'll wake up and realize that none of it happened. Being proposed marriage by someone that you love is a blessed thing and I treasure the fact that you have chosen to propose to me.

But it pains me to tell you that, Lasa, I cannot say yes.

You look at marriage differently. For you, it means stability. You see it as your next step towards the completion of your goals in life. I fear that for you, it doesn't matter who end up marrying. You're at an age where people are already expecting you to get married so you want to get married. You probably think that if things don't work out between us, you can always get a divorce. I, on the other hand, look at marriage differently.

I am so much younger than you so I am rather idealistic when it comes to marriage. I also come from a different religious background so I see marriage as something that should last forever. It is something binding, something lasting and that if things don't work out between us, we're supposed to work on it as much as we can. It is not just me accompanying you wherever you end up working or vacationing, like you wanted, the way your own parents do. It is not just your being able to understand if I choose not to convert to your religion. It is not just me choosing not to eat pork forever. It is not just you always taking care of me financially. It is not just me always taking care of your physical needs. It is not just us having children or having one family despite your religion allowing you to have more.

Marrige is a vow of commitment. It is being able to undertsand if I have to payback my scholarship in Zamboanga while you work outside. It is facing people and telling them about us. It is admitting to my classmates that yes, I am dating you, and being proud about it. It is choosing not to sleep with other girls despite the fact that they are extremely attracted to you. It is having to face my parents' wrath for marrying someone from another religion. It is learning how to read the other person's actions, despite what his or her words may be conveying. It is having great conversations or being happy together despite the silence. It is ending flirtations with other girls and not dating other guys. It is choosing to be with one person, to grow old with them, and to love them for the rest of their life.

We're still so far from all those things, Lasa. Alhough I greatly appreciate the fact that you have made the first step in wanting to meet my parents, despite the fact that I was reluctant to do so. I find that very sweet and suprising. I still have a lot of things I want you to know about me and you still have a lot of things to prove to me. Why don't we take it slow for a while and just see where life will lead us.

Lasa, I don't doubt that you love me. But I do doubt that you will want to love only me.

For Mr. Star Player

A cute guy friend of mine from college, Mr. Star Player, called me up unexpectedly today, after a quick tampuhan through text. Back then, we used to do that all the time. He'd miss call me - Hehehe... uso pa kasi ang miss call dati - and I'd be like "Hello,____? Tumawag ka?" My classmates had a blast making fun of me back then (Special mention, Debbie... Grrrr...).

Yes, I admit. I used to have this huge crush on him. His unexpected phone call brought me to an instant flashback of those days, back when I was still my sexier, fairer, more naive and less cynical self.

Flashback music please...

We actually met during a Battle of the Bands thing in school. He was brought along by a childhood friend of one of my classmates. They were three guys, we were three girls. After the Battle of the Bands, we went to play billiards, hanged out at the boys' apartment and went home in the morning. My classmate entertained her childhood friend and my other classmate started being chummy with the other guy. I never was the friendly type so I spent most of that night smoking and joking with my girlfriends, occasionally smiling at the boys. It wasn't until I was going home that he, Mr. Star Player, decided to accompany me.

And thus, starts the incredibly confusing saga of our so-called relationship.

I will skip with all the mushy details and choose to go for the jugular.

Back when I was young, I never knew how to handle new interests... Hmmm... when I think about it, I think I still don't. Hahaha... One time, during one of his visits at my dormitory, he tells me that he likes me and that we should let destiny take control. I had no idea what he meant but apparently it was supposed to mean that we have an understanding already. Ergo, kami na. But at that time, I've already been with two boyfriends and I knew that that's not how its supposed to work. Isn't the guy supposed to tell the girl he loves her or something to that effect? I mean hello! "Let's let destiny take control" certainly doesn't equate to "Be my girlfriend"! So, the next day, along with his friends, he visits me and my friends in school. I didn't know how to react so I ended up completely ignoring him. He gets mad at me and apparently goes drinking with his friends. I got pissed off with his overly possessive reaction so, I went drinking with one of my friends as well.

Remember this, Lizzy?

Although we remained friends - probably because my classmate ended up dating his friend for more than three years - we never really talked about that incident. And strangely, even after my classmate and his friend broke up, we still remained good friends. Long distance nga lang. Sometimes, I do think about how I could have better handled the situation and how it would've been if things were different. We were both too idealistic back then, him, because he hasn't had a girlfriend yet and me, because back then, I've always played it safe and never took any risks. If we had met today and he would still have done the same thing, I would have known better what to do and I would have been Mr. Star Player's girlfriend or knowing him, M.U. (Hahaha... Uso pa ba yun?) already.

Hahaha... Mr. Star Player, hindi kita nililigawan ha? Nagrereminisce lang po. Hehehe... Friends tayo! Peace!

Let's just let destiny take control...

Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

This wasn't supposed to turn out this way.

I was supposed to be able to get out of this once things become too serious.

Bakit hindi ko 'ata magawa?

Shiyet! I think I have fallen for the fact that he has chosen me over his other girlfiend. For the unexpected cellphone calls. For his wanting to meet my parents. For his wanting to take care of me. For the plans of a civil wedding. For his wanting me to be with him always, the way his mother always accompanies his father wherever he goes. For his checking up if I have eaten my breakfast, noon and dinner. For the hugs and the kisses. For the constant dates in public places. For him not caring anymore if other people might see us. For the "I love you, NYTM."

And for many many many other unmentionable things.

Yes, I have fallen hard. Leche! Hindi dapat mangyari 'to!

Wahhhhh! I'm so screwed.

AGE


This has to stop.

You have tortured me for too long now. It has been 6 days since I have become your favorite victim. I'm tired of this. You have disrupted my life like a unwanted visitor or dysmenorrhea during a 4-hour bus trip.

The pain, the frequent inconvenient trips, the constant urge... all are but instruments to the destruction that you have brought into my life. You occupy my thoughts even in the most inopportune moments.

While on a romantic dinner date.

While making out with a loved one.

While drooling over Brandon Routh with friends at the movies.

I try to distract myself with thoughts other than you yet you never leave my mind, even when I'm hanging out with a new love. I cross my legs repeatedly and pretend you don't exist while you make yourself known by the wild noises that you make. During gimik with friends, you made me long for beer like it was a long lost love, forbidden yet just within my reach. You have made me fear alcohol because you knew it would only make things worse for me. The sunken eyeballs have not helped either. I put up with so much crap when the only good thing you have done for me was make me lose a few pounds in preparation for the Acquaintance Party.

Why do you do this to me? Why do you put me through so much torture? I have been good to you. I have kept you happy all this time. I have put up with the most unsanitary conditions just to please you yet this is how you have chosen to repay me?

I'm so tired. I give up. All I want now is to just rest my tired little ass on a slab of cold cement and unleash the powers within.

Acute Gastroenteritis, you are now my newest worst enemy.

Dating Mr. Wrong

Why do I always end up dating Mr. Wrong?

Lasa is sweet. He blurts out the sweetest things at the most unexpected moment and makes me feel as if he wants to take care of me. For life. We actually have a lot of things in common, much more than I originally expected. It really surprises me that as each day passes, I see more of myself in him. And I dont know if familiarity has anything to do with it, but I am actualy starting to think he is gorgeous.

But it's about time that I face the fact that after more than a month, I am bored. I have recently come to the realization that he sucks at making conversation. He has the sense of humor equal to a gnat. I am thankful that we don't spend any time talking on the phone because that would be like a flashback fom my highschool days, where frequent gaps of silence - or cicadas mating - are interspersed between short senseless conversations. I don't know if it's just becuse of the generation gap or something but I find a lot of things funnier than he does. But then, I guess that's not his fault considering that I have the incredibly superficial capacity for humor as that of a kiddie pool, meaning, incredibly shallow.

Seriously, I should cut things off with him but I can't help myself because along with my many quirks, I also have the mentality of that of a lone girl stuck in an island with only one guy.

"Pwede na yan. Pagtiisan na lang muna."

Gahddd... What the hell is wrong with me?

Chronicles of My First Blind Date

A friend has set me up with his friend, NotMacho, on an impromptu blind date. For some reason, I didn't feel any sparks between the two of us. Could it be because he wasn't cute? On the contrary, he was. Very cute chinito eyes, curly hair, nice teeth, well-toned physique. An 8.5 in a scale of 1-10. Could it be because he was smarter than me? Nahhh... I enjoy making conversation with smart guys. They're very stimulating to the mind. You can spend hours with a guy who has a lot to say and not be bored than with someone whose best literary reads are limited to FHM. Could it be because he was cynical about love? Hmmm... maybe. A little. But then, I think I am just as cynical about love as he is.

Yes, I too believe that love shits you in the face.

Actually, when I thought about it, I think the reason why there were no sparks is because he seemed too good for me. Not that I was into bad boys - okay, fine, who am I kidding? I AM into bad boys - but although he does drink socially and all, like me, I don't think he's the type who will be compatible with someone like me. He's like my ex-fiancee, WrongAtAllLevels, without the temper, the ego and the emotional hang-ups. I can already see a lifetime of pagbabawal if ever I end up with him. I will be too much of a baggage for someone like him. Eventually, he'll end up being the guy who will try to set my life straight when in fact, as of the moment, I don't see myself as someone whose life needs straightening.

Some might think that I'm just backing out from something that might be good for me. Or that maybe I still have commitment issues that I have to work out... Whoah! Commitment issues! I'm sounding like my friend, Ms. High Maintenance, already. Hahaha... Love you friend!... But seriously, I'm not that mapili kasi when it comes to guys. If a guy is into me, even if he's not my ideal kind of guy, as long as the chemistry is there, why not? Getting to know a person is a lifelong process anyway so why bother with hang-ups as to a guy's height, his built, his looks, his personality, his attitude, his vices or his quirks? Those are the things that make him unique as an individual. Personally, I find those character flaws the things that make a person more deviant from the norm and thus, make him more desirable.

But chemistry, that's a totally different thing. You can't work with something that's just not there in the first place. You can change everything else, the looks, the personality, the quirks but once the sparks aren't there, what's the point of trying to work things out?

A guy friend, Lacoste, once told me that maybe I'm just confusing chemistry with lust or simple physical attraction. But on the contrary, I can be incredibly into someone even if he's not that physically attractive. Or I can also not like a guy even if he's the school heartthrob or he resembles Piolo Pascual. Chemistry isn't equatable to physical attraction. It's an inkling of a possibility of mutually-shared romantic interest between two people. It certainly isn't something you can just force to develop between a man and a woman.

If it's not there, then, it really wouldn't be there.

Actually, when I think about it, I felt a littl saddened. I mean, my blind date was really really cute and really really smart. He's a good catch! But if we would end up together I'd be this little demonyita who will spin his world upside down and I will always feel guilty when I'm with him because I would always be unable to keep my hands off all things forbidden.

Tsk, tsk, tsk... too bad. Why is that we didn't feel any sparks in the first place? Why, lord? WHY???!!!

Madi, thanks for the blind date with your friend. Your friend was okay but I don't think he felt any chemistry as well. But, Madi, not bad, ha? Guess I'll be seeing him in ZCMC next year. Tell him, if he ever needs to walk on the dark side and wants someone to spin his world upside down, just text me. Hahaha...

I'm only half-kidding. Hehehe...