Friday, January 26, 2007

Kicking and Screaming


Phase 1: The Introduction


Yes, I honestly wanted to waste my night fooling around with the Internet. I was From Duty and I intended to spend it lazily, at home, in my most comfortable shorts and T-shirt. But then, a classmate's text started it all:

"Pauwi na kami. May ipapakilala daw sa inyo dalawa ni Allen si Cocoy. Hehehe…"

I wanted to hide.

I've been set up by friends so many times I was probably a master in blind dates. And it always ends the same. We remain nothing but acquaintances. Occasionally, I bump into one during gimik nights and I choose to pretend I didn't see him or I hide, afraid to find out if he even remembered me. Oo na, sabihin na nating medyo mababa ang self-esteem ko. Hehehe… And one just disappeared out of the face of my inbox without any warning only to see his Friendster default pic a month later with him and his new girlfriend posing infront of his cellphone cam.

"Alam mo, kung friends talaga tayo, you could have at least updated me. I wouldn't be mad at you… Yes, you!... You know who you are!"

So, the guys arrived and I finally met the one my classmates were setting me up with, David Beckham.* I reluctantly entertained the guy for my classmates' sake. (Oh, guys… baka sabihin niyo, wala akong pakisama. Ginagawa ko lang 'to para hindi kayo mapahiya.) In all fairness, it surprised me that he wasn't actually as bad as I expected. I guess it turns out that guys are actually better at matchmaking than most girls. Hahaha… David wasn't shy but he wasn't very talkative either, which was a good thing because I get bored with shy guys and I could not tolerate guys who are too talkative. I don't like it when you have uncomfortable gaps of silence and I absolutely hate the skipping rope conversations: Yung nag-aantay ka lang mag-catch siya ng breath para naman makapasok ka rin ng ilang lines sa conversation… And physically, okay… he was cute. I admit. Tao lang po. Hehehe…

Phase 2: Getting To Know You

Despite my adamant protests of not wanting to get out of the house, my classmates were still able to drag me out of it, into the guy's Ford vehicle, and into the house of his cousin (whom have I mentioned, could pass up as Dr. Miranda's younger and more good-looking brother, complete with the mannerisms, stance and hand gestures) for dinner. The ever attentive host continued to regal me with tales about his hometown, his college days, even his highschool days before dinner and during the post-dinner inuman. My ever-familiar friend-slash-foe, Emperador Brandy, was the choice drink of the night and remembering how much I had gotten acquainted with our toilet bowl because of this traitorous friend, I knew I was gonna have to pass up the tagayan.

But not after downing at least one glass.

I kind of have a love-hate relationship with Emperador Brandy. So, sue me.

Phase 3: An Affair to Remember

People always said that when you talk to a drunk guy, he will always tell you the truth. I honestly have no idea if he was. Sometimes, the things he told me would surely bend any girl's ear and I had to keep myself from asking him, "Are you for real?"

So, he liked talking to me, So much so that we spent the night talking animatedly to each other. Not that I was boasting but I knew I can carry good conversations. I knew I wasn't exceptionally pretty, and not that sexy either, so I always try to make up for what I lack physically by making a guy comfortable enough when talking to me. And when the guy knows how to carry a good conversation himself, it makes for a very interesting thing called chemistry.

I think the plan backfired.

Somewhere along the road, he had gotten too sodden enough that we were conversing as if we haven't just met a few hours ago but more like months or years in fact. This newly found closeness that he had conjured up in his mind was evident with the way he maneuvered the conversation to medical anecdotes, his past girlfriends, his feelings towards me, his haircut, his highschool teachers and even to sleeping together. I was pleased, flattered, embarrassed, uncomfortable and freaked out at the same time. It amused me to no end that he seemed to be the male version of myself two years ago. Only drunk. It would have been a good thing except for the fact that he was totally intoxicated. Incapacitated. Deep in the throes of alcohol. He found me so comfortable enough that by the end of the night, he was talking to me with his face six inches within my own face… Yes, I carry a ruler with me all the time... When we sat down side by side, my upper arm was practically in his chest and the side of my breast was close to brushing his upper arm. I never minded really but I wasn't too comfortable either. Contrary to what most people will think, I'm not that liberated. But it made the situation more amusing when he started holding my hands, na parang matagal na kaming magsyota.

"Hawak-kamay… Di kita iiwan sa paglakbay… "

Arghhh…

Add to that the fact that we were doing it infront of the my landlord's children, my housemates and the class' two worst jokesters of all time, who will never make me live this down for as long as they knew me, this night has certainly ended out to be one of the most embarrassing adventures I've ever had in Liloy.

And I wasn't even drunk.

Phase 4: The End

Suffice it to say, everything will end just as I expected it. The guy is currently scheduled to go on travel for the next few weeks and there is no likely possibility that we will probably see each other again. At least, not anytime while I'm in Liloy.

Hahaha… And I've almost forgotten how it was to date younger guys.

Oh, well. Out of sight, out of my mind.

For Allen

Compre 3 Exams, Hinanakit sa PBL Facilitators, Christmas Shopping and Getting Drunk



January 4, 2007

8:00 A.M Woke up. Feigned tears infront of my Mom for allowance. Got money. Congratulated self for good acting job done after Mom has left.

8:30 AM Flooded my classmates' inbox with a barrage of messages.

9:00 AM Weighed self. Proceeded to cry self to sleep because of the additional pounds gained by the holidays.

10:00 AM Woke up again. Had coffee for breakfast.

11:30 Had one quick round with my boyfriend Philip in the CR, as in, Philip Morris. Took a bath afterwards to disguise the smell of cigarette smoke.

12:30 Lunch. Debated on the amount of rice to consume... What the heck, sarap magrice, no?

1:00 PM Barrraged classmates' inbox with messages again while I dried my hair.

2:00 PM Arrived school. Greeted everybody Happy New Year. Asked Joseph why siya di nakacivilian. Apparently di niya nareceive message nila Sitti. Laughed. Hehehe... Sorry, Seph....





2:30 PM Frazzled, trying to compute for my Compre 3 grade. Tearing my hair doing basic Math.



2:35 PM Gave up with computations and proceeded to pray the rosary instead. Bahala na si Lord sa grade ko.

2:45 PM Nyahahaha... I passed! No final exams for me!



3:00 PM Focus Group Discussion with Doc Bernie Chua and a few of my classmates about PBL Facilitators. Labas na ng mga hinanakit to!... "Itago natin siya sa pangalang..."

4:00 PM Shopping for Kris Kringle gift at Novo with Ice and Allen.

5:00 PM Getting the food at Ice's house. Debating whether to put my hair up or to leave it down. As if anybody would care... Desperate for a smoke.

5:30 PM Arrived at Jay-ar's place. It's Videoke time!!!

5:45 PM Ahhh... getting lung cancer.

6:00 PM Trying to catch acute laryngitis by attempting to sing Whitney Houston's songs.

7:00 PM Dinner time!!! Raved about Ice's coleslaw.

7:30 PM Christmas Shopping time!!!

7:35 PM Getting a headache as I wasted 5 minutes trying to listen to various people explain the mechanics of Christmas Shopping.

7:40 PM Laughed my heart out as I watched Elgie's gifts kept repeatedly being taken from him.

7:45 PM Allen: "Mang-agaw naman kayo, masaya mang-agaw."

7:46 PM Rusenda: "Masaya pala ha? Akin na yang gift mo."

8:00 PM Stole the make-up kit from Dara. Bwahahaha...

8:15 PM Began sharing Emperador Brandy shots with Jackie. Asa pa ko, tanggera se si Jackie.

8:45 PM Elgie joined Jackie and me. Joked about doing body shots. Di sila game... Magkakahiyaan pa ba tayo, ha?

9:15 PM Halfway to getting drunk. Offered San Mig Light by Jay-ar's mom. Alangan namang tanggihan ko. Masama tumatanggi sa grasya.


10:00 PM Few shots close to drunk. The room is starting to spin. The boys are starting to look like members of the Backstreet Boys in my eyes. Jackie, Dara and Rusenda are starting to resemble members of the Pussycat Dolls. I am the great Beyonce Knowles.

10:30 PM Officially drunk. Passed over by JP to Elgie for my ride home... Lasang bo, JP. Hinde yo kombo man rape... Grabbed on to Elgie because I was so drunk, I just I might fall out of my seat.

11:00 PM Hugging the toilet bowl puking my gutts out... I love you, toilet bowl. I love you...


To study or not to study


Have to study for the 2nd Compre. But I seem to be distracted by too many things. The TV, Internet, Friendster, unlimited texting, dating, gimiks, sleep...
Mahirap ang 2nd Compre. Okay lang ang OB and Pedia, so with Infectious and Pulmo but I don't know crap about Microbio and Biochem. Hello? PT graduate ito, hindi Biology. And I hate Hema and Immuno. Gahddd... I'm going to be sooo screwed...

MUST. START. READING.

MUST. START. GETTING. SERIOUS.

MUST...

Shiyet! Who the hell am I kidding? I'm sooo gonna fail this... Sana lang wag masyadong malayo sa MPL para di masyadong nakakahiya. Hehehe...
Blind Dates and Drinking with Older Men


The other night, a friend (who wishes to remain nameless so we'll call her MS. HM, as in, HIGH-MAINTENANCE. Hehehe...) asked me to go out with her for coffee and a few drinks, with a former classmate of her and his friend, just so that she wouldn't be the only girl in the group. Despite the fact that I was about to start burning the midnight oil (Emphasis on START, because I have yet to do so) for my 2nd comprehensive exams this Friday, considering that her classmate was an ex-crush of mine in highschool, my cousin's ex-boyfriend, a former staff under my Mom's department and a pretty good converationalist and my boyfriend was busy that night and YEAH, I was bored, so, I said yes. As we waited for the guy and his friend, Ms. HM got a text message that a guy that a mutual friend has wanted to set up with her was in town and wanted to meet with her tonight. So, plans were changed and the mutual friend and the Ms. HM's blind date met us in Alejandra's. She thought he was cute, I didn't. I thought when she said malaki ang katawan, she meant bulky, as in like her ex-boyfriend. Hindi pala. Hahaha... But considering the fact that she seemed to like him, I was okay with making the sacrifices of spending the night with two complete strangers... Hayyy... the things we have to do for friendship!

We ended up in Lattitude where a couple of guys, whom I thought were the valet/security guard and the supervisor in Lattitude and turned out to be their friends (So, sorry! Kasalanan ko ba kung mukha silang trabahador!), joined us. So, here we were now, two twenty-something girls surounded by four guys in their mid to late 30's. Goodbye ex-highschool crush, hello, Daddy issues! Para kameng mga GROs na tinable ng apat na DOM! Hahaha...

It was awkward, at first, but thankfully, they were very accomodating and Ms. HM and I were skilled in good conversation. Hahaha... Strangely, there was no talk about politics or sports (two topics that generally bore me to tears) which I was kind of expecting from a group of older men. The nice thing was, when you do hang-out with a different crowd than one is used to, you do find out a lot of different things you wouldn't generally find out from your usual crowd. Here are a few of the things I and Ms. HM learned about that night.


1. "99% of guys are playboys."

They claim to believe that fact but of course, they all claim to be in the 1%... As if!You see, I have this personal theory that guys who aren't married have this one serious relationship with one girl whom no matter what happens, he will always hold on to. But that wouldn't stop him at all from checking out, meeting, dating, having sex or even having relationships, whether flings or serious, with other girls. They can't help it. It's their nature to be polygamous. Even my Dad had relationships with more than one women at the same time, before he married my MOm. A guy will always make you feel as if you are that one special girl. He will bring you flowers, chocolates, take you home, pick you up, meet your parents and do all the things you think a serious boyfriend is epected to do but I think it's just a matter of luck if you actually turn out to be that one special girl that your guy will always hold on to and not just one of his girls on the side, aka one of his chikabebe. Hehehe...

2. "In all the relationships that a girl has, there will always be only one whom you are most secure about regarding his manhood."

Of course, I couldn't really relate to this fact that much because almost all the boyfriends that I've had ended up getting their girlfriend pregnant and marrying out of wedlock. The chances of any one of them being lured to the other side is probably next to nothing. Thank God... Of course, I couldn't say the same thing applies to Ms. HM... Hahaha, just kidding!

3. They like lighting your cigarette.

Probably makes them feel like they're just like in the TV comercials. Hehehe...

4. They will keep on buying you drinks.

As soon as my glass had become half-full, they will keep pouring beer on it like it was a bottomless drink. And then order another bottle, before I had even finished my glass. My boyfriend said it was a tactic that older guys use to make a girl drunk without her knowing it. Drunk girls apparently lose all their inhibitions and what guy wouldn't want to take advantage of that?... Why they would want to get us drunk is beyond me, considering that when I'm drunk, I don't get horny. I get nauseous, emetic and develop a humongous throbbing headache... Thankfully, I was conscious about my drinking the whole time and after the fourth bottle, I stopped drinking and ordered cold water for the rest of the evening.

5. "When someone shows you that he loves you, you end up loving them back."

True. Sad but true.Which is why most flings, if you're not too careful, end up becoming serious. And that even if a guy fails all your so-called qualifications, when he does show you that he loves you, you naturally end up reciprocating back. The question now is, how would you delineate truly loving that person from just having been swept by your emotions? Kailan mo masasabing totoo mo na siyang minamahal at hindi ka napapadala lang sa pagmamahal niya sa'yo?... Naks! Ang lalim no? Pakisagot naman ito, please. Hehehe...

6. "A guy can tell you that he loves you and not mean it."

Sorry to burst your bubbles, guys, but so do girls. Hehehe...

7. I apparently looked like OLYN from Pinoy Big Brother Teen Edition.

Of course, I never watched the show so, I had to search for my so-called look-alike in the Internet. This is apparently who I resembled...

Hmmm... pweeedeee na rin. Hehehe. Thanks, guys!... Isn't she Pedro Penduko's love interest?

8. Q: "When will you know if a guy is ready to be serious with you?"
A: "Usually, but not always, it is when his first born child comes."

Apparently, guys usually aren't ready for marriage, even when they're already in their 30's, even when they've asked that special girl to marry them, even when they're standing in the altar waiting for their bride. Guys finally feel the urge to get serious with their wife when they hold that first-born child in their arms for the first time and that's when they finally realize that yes, they are now a father and they should now start taking the role of being a husband seriously... Of course, we all know that this is not applicable to some stubborn flirtatious guys who can never stay away from the lure of the opposite sex, despite the bonds of marriage, kids and family. So, boys, behave...

9. Guys have no sense of time!

For two married guys with kids, one soon to be married in a week and one with a flight the next day, none of these guys even realized that we've been together until the wee hours in the morning. While I barraged Ms. HM with text messages about the need to go home so that the guys wouldn't notice (which of course, she didn't mind because she was too busy making googoo eyes with her blind date, hehehe...), the guys continually joked, drank and laughed like there was no tomorrow. So, we ended up going home at, get this, FIVE O' CLOCK IN THE MORNING! My parents were already awake and about to have breakfast when I got home. NO question about it, sinabon ako ni Ma'am Zeny and Sir Chito pag-uwi ko... Ms. HM, you owe me big time for that night! I swear, wala yung 30 minutes na pagsakay niyo sa Deathtrap compared to this!

10. Q: "How will you know if a guy really loves you?"
A: "You'll never know."

And that's the sad truth...

The Blog that I Will Probably Regret Posting


Honestly, I'm tired of the dating scene. I see my gradeschool friends getting married, my highshool friends in fulfilling relationships, my college friends with their Friendster accounts filled with snapshots, sonnets and testimonials about their special somone, classmates and couples who treat each other like their bestfriend. And I get envious... How come napakaelusive ng ganong klaseng relasyon sa akin? When I'm with someone, I always feel as if there's something missing. And when I thought I've finally found it, I realize eventually that it wasn't going to stay that long.

My current lovelife is a series of getting-to-know-yous. You meet someone, pag di kayo magclick, you meet another one. Pag di na naman kayo magclick, you move on to the next. When you finally meet someone you can get along with, you end up doing the same things. Lunch, dinner, movies, meeting the parents, making out, hehehe.... Pare-parehas lang, nag-iba lang ang company.

Nakakasawa na. Napapagod na ako.

And it doesn't help that my parents still don't trust me enough to have another boyfriend. How am I supposed to fix my life and settle down with one serious guy if I can't bring one home and introduce him as my boyfriend? Apparently, until I graduate, pass the boards and get a job, any boy I will be bringing home will be delegated to the "He's just a friend" category... Hello? I'm 25 years old, I've had four boyfriends, five, if you count the most recent. Kailan ko ba binalewala ang school work for anyone of them? Never ko naman ginago ang buhay ko despite my kahibangan with a boyfriend. Di ba enough that I was able to graduate Physical Therapy on time? (Actually, not on time because of Chemistry 14 but it doesn't count kasi I was boyfiendless at that time. Hehehe...)Di ba nila naapreciate the fact that despite having a boyfriend, I have never failed anyone of my exams in medical school? Yet? (Hehehe... wag naman...) Di ba nila narealize that maganda ang upbringing nila sa akin and that they can trust me because, despite having boyfriends, I never got pregnant or got married while still in school?

Gusto ko nang malagay sa tahimik ang buhay ko.

I want to have best of both worlds. Love plus lust equals contentment. It's not that I want to get married already. Marriage is a possibility but contented na ako with knowing that I am with the guy who will spend the rest of his life with me and we'll both be happy and have no regrets about it in the end.

Yes, I want to get settled down already. But I want to do it with the right guy. I don't want to have any regrets in the end. Studies show that most doctors, because they are already very much fulfilled in the other aspects of their life, have an unfulfilled lovelife and end up either not married, or married but sexless, cheating, having affairs, lying, living in denial or staying together for the children. Only 10% actually live happily ever afer.

I'm still hoping to be one of the 10%.

I am, therefore, I date

Bumped into NotMacho, the inspiration behind "Chronicles of a First Blind Date," at a gimik last night. It takes two of my closest girlfriends for me to realize that he wasn't really all that. In fairness, pumayat siya kasi. And he looked stress-out.

Arghhh!! Who am I kidding? He does have an effem air around him. Must be why we didn't click in the first place. Hehehe...

Speaking of blind date, I finally met one of my textmates that a classmate has been trying to set me up with last week in Ipil. He's nice. There was a little bit of language barrier considering that he speaks Bisaya and I can barely speak in in Bisaya. So, we end up sign-languaging. Hehehe, joke... Actually, he spoke in Bisaya while I spoke in Tagalog, in the hopes that we can both understand each other. Its a litle bit difficult pala to be your true self with someone who doesn't speak the same language as you do. You find yourself unable to crack jokes and make biro, which is basically what I usually do. Yes, I don't take life too seriously. So sue me. Hehehe... But he's nice and gentleman naman. Too bad, Smart siya and not Globe. Hahaha...

I finally got to hear the voice of another textmate of mine. Ang lamig ng boses... I wasn't expecting that. Although I've seen his picture, thanks to Friendster, I never expected a voice like that to come out from him. It made staying up late to wait for him to get home from a gimik and charge his cellphone worth it. Advice ko lang sa'yo, get a new girlfriend! You remind me too much of my post-boyfriend from hell days. She's not worth it, for god's sake! And advance happy birthday, by the way!

So, I finally told a good friend about Lasa. Thank you, Du, at hindi mo ako sinabon ng sermon about him. And you can relate as to why I couldn't resist him. Hahaha... Apparently, he's in the process of pagpapakatino. I don't know nga lang until when niya kayang magpakatino. And yes, I honestly don't know why I'm seeing him and why he's seeing me. I don't know what the hell he sees in me. I don't know if he's actually taking me seriously. I don't even know if I should take him seriously (Although, I want to. Hehehe...). I don't know even how we lasted this long.

Maybe we're both just a little bit lonely.

And a litle bit crazy.

Leche talaga mga lalake, oo. Kailan ba ako seseryosohin ng mga ito? Hahaha...
Three months... and the saga continues


"Bat di ka pa mag-asawa?"
"Kasi di ko pa nahahanap ang right guy for me."
Tama ba namang sabihin ko sa boylet ko yun. Parang diretsahan ko nang sinabing, hindi kasi siya ang lalakeng hinahanap ko.
"Eh, ikaw... bat d ka pa mag-asawa?"
Ang retort ni lalake: "Ewan ko nga rin. Hanggang ngayon, di ko pa rin alam ang sagot diyan."
Nyi! Bumawi sa akin! Hahaha...

Yes.
It is possible to be happy yet discontented in a relationship.
It is possible to be lonely even when you have that special someone.
Or maybe its just because you know very well that you are loving the wrong person and knowing that you are also the wrong person for him to love. Yet, you keep your mouths closed and refuse to accept the inevitable.
Or maybe because fear of being hurt is knocking down my door loudly and I feel myself succumbing to its call. So I choose to hide behind behind this fascade that what we have is nothing but a way to kill time.
When I know very well that it is more than that.

Love makes fools of us all.