Losing the Mojo

C'mon over... c'mon over, baby...

I have forgotten how to flirt.

This is a single girl's bestfiend and I have forgotten the art... Shiyet...

What the hell is wrong is me?

It must be because it has been so long - three years, in fact - since the last time I felt the necessity to flirt with someone. After three wasted years with WrongAtAllLevels, now that I believe that God is giving me an opportunity to start feeling the "kilig" again, I end up screwing it all up and throwing back the opportunities God has given me.

Once again, what the hell is wrong with me?

He gives me food, with the additional offer of "making subo" to me, and all I did was refuse him and giggle... Shiyet...

He tells me that if I had difficulty looking for a boyfriend, he's just be here waiting. All I did in reply was giggle... Shiyet...

He plays with my hair and rubs his arms with my own and all I did was look uncomfortable and giggle... Shiyet...

Where the hell are my vocal chords when I need it?

I'm afraid that because I don't know how to flirt anymore, I might be sending him the wrong signals. He probably thinks I'm such a bore to be with. Or that I wouldn't be interested with someone like him. Or worse, that I was disgusted with him.

Great. Just great.

At this rate, I'll have a new boyfriend by year 2010.

Dammit... flirting was never such a problem with me. I used to know the ropes. Now, I'm grasping at the straws like an amateur. Arghhh!

And to think I've heard rumors that he was also interested with someone else. I might lose him to someone else... My fault, I'm so slow. He doesn't seem to be the kind of person who will wait for me to find my mojo.

Help!!! I really like this guy!!!

...Sigh...

Haven't seen Maroon Five at all today. I know he'll be busy and most likely went home early. Still, I was hoping to see him again, just to make sure that I didn't imagine the whole thing that happened yesterday.

Oh, crap. I hate this...

My horoscope for the day says:

Be the soul of understanding, especially if you and your new cutie haven't been on the same wavelength lately. They may be coming off as gruff, but that's just because they don't have your ability to articulate their feelings.

This is so him. He's so hard to read... Shiyet... This is just another problem waiting to blow up in my face... Why the hell am I attraced to him in the first place? Dammit...

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Waking Up From A Deep Sleep

There is nothing as addictive as the aroma of a new romance...

I've been secretly attracted to this guy, Maroon Five. He was actually the opposite of almost all past boyfriends I've ever had simply because I knew I was no match for this guy. He was controlling, dominating, definitely more matured than me, but sweet and thoughtful in the most unexpected ways. I honestly don't know why, but for some reason, I am attracted to him like moth to a flame. I never really entertained any ideas of us hooking up because I knew that it was forbidden. Besides, he has never implied anything before that might show that he was also attracted to me. He would joke about going out on a date with me but I never really took him seriously. I was contented admiring him secretly and from a distance.

Until lately, things seem to be taking a strange turn. His attentiveness and sweetness to me particularly, makes me think that maybe this isn't just a one-way thing. It felt like finally, someone is waking me up from a very deep sleep. Once again, the feelings of uncertainty, fear of rejection, and confusion become mixed with that nostalgic feeling of excitement and anticipation. I am suddenly familiarized with the "kilig" feeling once again, after such a long long time.

Sometimes, I think that maybe I'm just imagining all this. So what if he held my hand the whole time while we were talking? That could just mean, he didn't want me to just pass by him right away. So what if I felt him caress my hand? I could be just imagining all that. It's not as if he texts me or anything. I mean, if he was interested, I'm sure he would since he does know my number. But why the hell does he always single me out when I'm with friends. Maybe it's a reverse thing. Maybe he really doesn't like me, that's why he frequently singles me out. Maybe he's just a very big flirt. Or like I said, maybe I'm just imagining the whole thing.

Shiyet... here I go again...

This is me minus 6 months, 15 pounds, a jerk of a boyfriend and all the emotional baggage that comes with him. Like they all say, his cheating on me was probably the best thing that could've happened to me. Thank God for small miracles. Hahaha...

Ever again


Youve always given me more than I could take to this heart
May it be pain or bliss
And, however, desperately I try to hold on to all that
Some times, it over flows
The result I cry and I laugh like Im insane.
With my sanity lost in just that, will I fall in love, ever again?
- Anand

Ode to All Female Medical Students Out There

Killing time while waiting for our OSCE at 5:00 PM, I spent most of the afternoon hanging out wih a few of my female classmates, talking about things under the sun, most especially about love, romance and our frustrations with the opposite sex. Don't get me wrong. We aren't, as Noy would put it, being "desperate", but just because we're medical students, it doesn't mean we don't think about being inlove too. After all, we are just like any other normal girl and we too have our own frustrations with the opposite sex.

Year 2005 is said to be a bad year for relationships, and most especially for us, female medical students. One by one, we have walked out of the relationships that we have grown and nurtured for the past few years; some by choice, others forced to, some unlucky ones just dumped. We have been cheated to, lied to, not trusted, made to feel insecure and inadequate, used as human ATMs or as a front to prove their own manhood, by the same guys that we have wasted precious sleep and study time on. The same guys that we have loved with all our hearts, in the pretense that they loved us, if not more, at least just as much as we did them, have become nothing to us but major disappointments.

Thus, most of us are now single.

Being a female medical student is both a boon and a bane. We are said to be one of the smartest minds, the noble ones, who are bound to have successful careers and a good future ahead of us. Yet given the backward mind of an Average Filipino male, none of these qualities make us more atractive to the opposite sex. Despite the arrival of the Feminist era, where women are now equally empowered as men, most guys are still intimidated by women who are smarter, stronger and who would earn more than them. As a result, we, female medical students are forced to go for guys who are of the same profession - which as we all know, gives us, very slim pickings because almost half of the good doctors that we admire are GAY or frustratingly, EFFEMINATE - or guys who are sure to earn more than us, such as lawyers, business owners or politicians, for example. Unfortunately, given our hectic schedules, we have no time to be active in the dating game, and especialy not with someone who is outside our own circle.

In the end, we are left with the following choices:

1. Mama's boys
2. Geeks who look like William Hung
3. Criminals, perverts, and those with personality disorders
4. One or two good guys who will choose to date someone younger, sexier, and less intimidating, like 15-year-old girls or kolehiyalas taking up BS Nursing, for example.
5. One or two good guys who will be snatched up, right under our own noses, by the clever ones from the third sex... Joseph, can you please leave the good guys to us? People like you are totally adding to the competition! Just kidding, Seph! You have every right to go for guys as well!

Given the bleak future of our lovelife, we fear that we are bound to become like one of the many unmarried female medical doctors in Zamboanga City, like Drs. N. Ong, L. Tan, M. Gonzales. Beautiful, successful but forever single. We fear that in a few years we will be the ones conducting the OSCE, labelled "Terror Doctors" by the younger generation of ZMSFI students, because we have become shrews from the lack of our own families to take care of. We fear that if we remain boyfriend-less at the age of 40, we might be forced to ask our close male friends to get us pregnant just so we may experience the joys of motherhood, despite the lack of a husband. We fear that in the end, we are bound to die VIRGINS... So, help us god...

Of course, I wouln't have started feeling this way if I haven't been talking to my good friend, Jane Doe, who's experiencing a lot of frustrations herself with her own long-distance medical student boyfriend. Prior to this day, being an amateur at being single, I used to think it was SOOO great to be unattached and that boyfriends can be such a hassle. But because of the frustrations that have cropped up from today's conversations, these best-kept thoughts have jumped full-force, as if alive and kicking, forcing to be heard. Because of these thoughts, I am reluctanly made to turn my back against the happy coccoon I used to think I live in and I am now made to face the emptiness of my own current lovelife. This is all your fault, Janet... I only wish that these thoughts don't last and that by tomorow, I will return to my own happy-to-be-single carefree self. Just as my horoscope for today has said:

Your romantic glass may abruptly seem half-empty, but just wait a few minutes and it'll look half-full again. Look for a deeper understanding, or else you'll keep flip-flopping about it all day.

Therefore, the moral of the story is, don't spend a lot of time with JaneDoe. Hehehe... Just kidding, Jane. We're still friends. Peace!

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

I have a weakness. I cannot tell people, especially guys, the truth about how I feel about them. I am afraid of making a guy feel bad, or letting him make me feel bad. Thus, I would lie to them... Yes, I am soo bad, I admit... It's no wonder that guys that I've been with, lie to me as well. Karma, I guess. But then, guys tell even worse lies and more times than women do.

These are the Top 6 Lies that I have told guys, at least, those that I do remember, starting from the latest:

1. "Ha? Magagalit ang boyfriend ko." (What? My boyfriend might get mad)

A few days ago, some guy at my gym asked for my cellphone number. I didn't want to tell him to his face that I wasn't interested, so this was what I told him. Truth is, nobody will get mad at me for giving him my number because I don't have a boyfriend anyway. I'm just not interested.

2. "I am not texting my male friends anymore, since last March."

Hehehe... Is it actually possible for you to completely stay away from friends that you have known for more than 10 years, just because your boyfriend of more than a year told you so? I don't think so. Truth is, I still kept texting them forwarded messages and I still gave them my new number, despite my boyfriend at that time prohibiting me from doing so.

3. "I've stopped smoking... Honest!"

Obviously, not!

4. "Wala akong boyfriend... Break na kami ng ex ko." (I don't have a boyfriend... My ex and I broke up.)

Interested in getting to know a bunch of guys that I had just met for the first time, I denied the fact that I had a boyfriend, when actually, at that time, I did have one. Someone then told me that he saw me with my boyfriend, so I told him that we already broke up. I never really had any intention of cheating on my boyfriend that time. I just want to be treated as if I'm single and I didn't want to feel tied down all the time. Hayyy... It has been months since I had actually broken up with this boyfriend of mine but until now, he never knew about this. Bwahahahahahaha!

5. "Yup, may nanliligaw sa akin ngayon."(Yes, someone is courting me right now.)

There is nothing that I hate the most than looking pathetic infront of an ex-boyfriend. Thus, after seeing WrongAtAllLevels again, a few months after the break-up, and he asks me how my lovelife is, this was what I told him... Can you blame me? I don't want him to think that I'm still pining over him. He already broke my heart. He doesnt have to think that I'm still inlove with him.

6. "Nisita yayo ase abaha el phone. Chene payo kosa ase. Ta laba pa yo plato." (I have to put the phone down now. I still have something to do. I'm still washing the dishes.)

Unable to tell someone that I don't want to talk to him on the phone anymore, this was what I told him. I was still very young and very immature at that time, okay? ... Yes, I am so bad. Sorry, man. You know who you are.

I Miss Dating =(


I miss dating... I miss that jumbled up feeling wherein you are both nervous and excited at the same time. I miss the butterflies in my stomach that come out whenever I'm getting ready for date, that kinikilig na feeling when the guy treats you like a lady, that unexplainable thing that makes you wonder why you keep smiling all the time. Everything feels different when you're dating someone. It's as if you're constantly looking behind rose-colored lenses. You're still in the process of getting to know the person very well yet, so, to you, he's nothig but perfect.

Of course, things become different when you just aren't dating someone, you're actually IN a relationship with them. Now that's a different story and certainly not something I would want to be into for now. I mean, think about it, what seemed romantic to you before now become incredibly annoying. You finally see the flaws that you were so incredibly blind to before. You finally realize that your boyfriend certainly isn't the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. That all this time, you were actually inlove with nothing but an illusion.

This is probably the reason why it's been three months and I I have never gotten back into the dating game. Not that nobody was asking me. I have turned down three guys: the first one, a good friend, second one, a long-time friend and the third, some guy at my gym. I wanna start dating again, but I've been burned too many times that I am afraid that once I start dating some guy, he'll be expecting our thing to progress into a relationship. And unless he is the guy of my dreams, I dont want to have a relationship with him. And when things don't work out, I don't want for us to have to go into that awkward situation where I will end up feeling guilty for leading him on, even when I didn't actually intend to do so.

Still, I have to admit, I do miss the rose-colored lenses...

Of course, if a guy who looked like Colin Farell or Piolo Pascual asked me out on a date, I'll be all dressed up and ready to go before he even finishes saying my name. Are you kidding? I'd have babies with them in a minute!

To Lacoste: In A Perfect World


You are the savior of the dreams that I had forgotten
You loved even when you were not loved
You watched even when you were not seen
You aimed to be the color in the palette of my bleak existence
You constantly offer me your world
Only to be rejected.
Again.
And again.
And again.
You are a gift best kept wrapped
Appreciated within a distance.
In a perfect world, we would be together
No longer would you be grasping straws with destiny, scrambling for its scraps
No longer would I be picking at my scars and draining the exudates of my past
You would be my lover, my bestfriend, my partner, my teacher
You would be my soulmate
And I would be the genie in your lamp
But I do not live in a perfect world
And neither do you
It would've made things easier if we did
If only I loved you the way you loved me
If only...
If only...
If only...
But I don't.

Bitter No More

A week ago, I finally saw my ex-fiancee, WrongAtAllLevels, with his new girlfriend. He didn’t see me because I was in a Putik jeepney then and he was driving. Contrary to what I thought, it didn’t hurt as much as I had expected. It must be my flair for the dramatic that made me think that I would be breaking down the next time I see my ex- with his new girl. I expected a lot of waterworks and tears just flowing spontaneously down my face and the return of that familiar vise-like grip in my chest that I had been carrying with me for the first few weeks after we broke up. Strangely, the experience was actually anti-climactic. All I got was a nostalgic feeling which didn’t even last more than 5 minutes. After that, I just smiled at myself, thinking how fitting it was that Hale’s Broken Sonnet was playing in the background...

Still, I see the tears from your eyes… Maybe I’m just not the one for you…

What does that mean? Why didn’t I start bawling at the sight of him? Does it mean that the 2 ½ years that we had wasn’t really worth that much? Does it mean I’m okay now? Does it mean I’m over him?

I honestly have no idea. I just know that, to be honest, I am happier and more fulfilled now without him in my life... Yes, I have to admit that, at times, it gets pretty lonely. Everyday, I wake up, knowing that there is no one special guy in this world who loves me... But strangely, I am still optimistic. I live by the idea that someday soon, there will be. Based from my experience, the new guy is always better than the one before him. And the next one to come along will be greater than any other guy whom I had loved and has loved me. HE WILL COMPLETE ME. Or if he won’t, maybe the next one will…

This was my last poem for WrongAtAllLevels, written days before he confessed to me about the 15-year-old girl he had been screwing around while I was away at Liloy for our community training…A valuable lesson to other girls out there: break up with the guy right away the first time he cheats on you. Don’t be like me, who kept on forgiving him repeatedly in the hopes that he won’t do it again. Trust me, he did it before and he will do it again…


Beginning Is The End

We’ve always lived in our own world
We were each other’s fantasy
A love that grew among the roots of incompatibility
We weren’t meant to catch up with reality
We please each other too much and lose our own identities
Frustration slowly creeps in
Uninvited, it fights and wins
We keep pushing ourselves
Reaching for something that’s not there
We have never accepted that our beginning was actually the end
We loved too much, we loved too soon
We thought we’ve found what was not lost
We settled for what’s less because of fear
Our own mistakes we thought were right
And now we face the painful realization that we fooled ourselves for years
That letting go was the wrong thing
And that the right love was the wrong one.

Lovelorn


Pain, you’ve made a home in me
I’m left no choice but to open the door
Love has just abandoned me
And I can’t stand to bear this loss
I, who now live in desolation
Branded the sucker of my own pride
Loving you is what I miss the most
Loving me is what you’ve shunned
You have spat upon my heart
And I drain away the water
If only to collect what’s left
Of what you‘re able to offer