Dammit!

Just when I thought I was okay already, something happens and I’m back to wanting to run away from it all. I’ve kept myself busy hanging out with friends, avoided the Internet, been too sick to do anything productive anyway, and I thought I was doing well.

Until, one click with the mouse and I’m back to square one.I think I’m stuck in this funk indefinitely.Hayyy… sometimes I think that maybe I’m one of those women who will never be actually happy in the end. I’ll probably have the best career, all the money in the world, a nice car, big house, a reputable name and all that crap that female doctors are supposed to have but that’s it. I probably won’t have the loving husband, 2.5 kids and the white picket fences. Maybe I’m just not meant to be happy. I’m starting to think of the possibility of dating again because maybe Mundane already has. Even my friends are giving you all these prospects. Yet, I feel as if it would be unfair to these prospects because I can’t really give them what they expect from me. I’m stuck. I want to move on but I’m stuck in this limbo.

Just when I thought I was starting to deal with this already, I find myself wanting to beg again. Even when I’ve practically planted myself infront of him. Kulang na lang I tell him "Wala akong pakialam sa mga chismis. All that matters is that I love you. So, just shut up and kiss me."

But of course, things like that only happen in the movies. And magunaw na ang mundo, mamumuti na lang ang mata ko sa kaantay na sabihin niya sa akin kung ano man ang gusto kong marinig from him.

Hay, wala na yata akong dignidad. Halos pinagpipilitan ko na ang sarili ko sa ayaw naman sa akin. Masochista yata ako. Pain-seeking, naghahanap ng angina… God, when the hell will this all end? Hay, sana nagsigawan na lang kami. Maybe if Mundane and I got mad with each other, it’ll be easier for me to move on from this.

"Leche, magsigawan na nga lang tayo!"