How Not To Get Caught Cheating

While scanning the Internet the other day, I came upon this funny article by Collegiate Don Juan in College OTR (I forgot what OTR stands for) regarding how not to get caught cheating. In line with this, they have come up with a list of things one should always consider when considering cheating. I will of course try to modify this so that it will be culture-appropriate and user-friendly for my friends who always end up getting caught by their girlfriends, to the boyfriends of my friends who have no idea I know their stupid secrets, and to the rest of my friends who are just morally and ethically inept that they would actually consider cheating on their current relationships. I don’t particularly advocate cheating on your significant other, but, if you’re going to do it, you might as well do it right.

Like I always tell my friends, everybody cheats.

1. Organize your lovelife.
Cheating is fun, but it can get very stressful trying to sneak around all the time. The best way to prevent all the chaos is to apply what they taught you back in kindergarten and to remember to always put everything in it’s proper place. Therefore, assign who should be Number 1, Number 2 and so on. Number 1 gets the top priority in your list after God, Mom, school/work, food and sports, the dinners with the family, the spot in your wallet, the bed you go home to, the No.1 spot in your speed dialing and majority of your allowance.

2. Think different.
To keep from mistaking one for the other, make sure Number 2 is very different from Number 1. This includes looks, interests and especially NAMES. You don’t want to get caught whispering Kristen into Christine’s ear. Plus, having two girlfriends who look exactly the same is just stupid and not to mention, provides double the boredom factor. It takes twice faster to get sick and tired of someone who looks like Angel Locsin if you’re dating two of them.

3. Keep it phone-free.
The easiest way to get caught cheating is the cell phone. Most girlfriends see it as their constitutional right to check your phone. For those girls who swear that they don’t, trust me, as soon their boyfriend goes to the bathroom, they are already unlocking the pincode in his cellphone. Getting caught through the cellphone text messages can be avoided by explaining to Number 2 that you see text messaging as impersonal and therefore, don’t enjoy texting. Chances are, you will not remember to delete those steamy sex-texts anyway. If your dating strategy always has to involve texting (which is more likely, how 90% of single male Filipinos nowadays court, by passing through the textmate phase), then, always remember to delete your messages in the Inbox. Don’t forget to activate the automatic deleting of messages in the Sent Folder as well.

4. Ditch Friendster.
Tell Number 2 you don’t have a Friendster. It is likely that she will try to search for you and view your profile repeatedly. Now, if your Number 1 has an IQ of more than 100, then, she’s probably figured your password somehow and will find out that Number 2 has been viewing your profile a lot. She will either: 1) confront you about Number 2 (in which case, you’re better off committing suicide) or 2) pick a fight with Number 2 and then, confront you (in which case, you’re still better off dead). If you’re simply addicted to Friendster and cannot, in any way, avoid it, better edit the Settings and change your default name to “—CHICBOYZ—” and your real name to Sean Poof Daddy.

5. Rename!
If your Number 2 is the type of girl who calls you up frequently, do not put her in your cell phone as a girl. Give her a guy’s name to throw the girlfriend off when she reviews your phone call log. Therefore, even whenever “Pareng Mike” calls you up repeatedly at the really late hours of the evening while you’re hanging out with Number 1, she won’t be suspicious at all when you tell her that “Pareng Mike” is simply having another insomnia attack and just needs someone to talk to.

6. Don’t fraternize.
Just like fraternities, nothing can break the bonds of sisterhood. Don’t date a girl in the same sorority; gossip is more prevalent in sororities than iced tea at Mr.Donut (yes, for some reason, whenever I order Iced tea, they’re always out), so take it somewhere else. Friends of your Number 1 should be preferentially avoided and bestfriends are a definite no-no… Give yourself some sense of morality, for god’s sake. Put up a few boundaries. You don’t want other people to think you put out with just anyone. Besides, it’s not like you’ll be running out of people to cheat with anyway. Last time I checked, the population of Zamboanga City is still around 7 billion.

7. The farther, the better.
Try to find a Number 2 who lives far away from Number 1, preferably one who rarely goes into town. The same goes for school, workplace and frequent hang-outs. Visiting a girl in close proximity to you or your Number 2 only heightens the possibility of running into your Number 1 or having her catch you with your pants down, literally. This is best done with someone who lives out of town, e.g. Ipil, Pagadian, Liloy, whom you are less likely to bump into every day, unless of course, you’re Number 1 is also from the same place. Then dating two people from the same hometown is just stupid because it is more likely that they know each other, or worse, are probably related.

8. A day at a time
Girls spend hours putting on makeup and perfume. So to risk having the evidence on you, never ever see the two girls in one day. A lip gloss stain on your collar is no way to greet your girlfriend and there aren’t really a lot of good plausible excuses to explain how it got there. Plus, unless you’re somewhere in your early 20’s, your performance level will more likely drop around the 3rd or 4th round so better not risk having to smile sheepishly in your birthday suit and explain why Junior can’t get it up even when your girl has been working her magic on you for hours already.

9. Tell Number 2 the truth.
If you really find the need to cheat, better fess up to Number 2 that she is not the only one in your life. If this doesn’t get you a slap in the face, then, you’re good to go… The only kind of reaction from a girl who was truly inlove with you but was raised better by her parents is if she slaps you in the face. If she doesn’t, then, she’s either obsessed with you (in which case, you enjoy the good times ahead while it lasts because it will soon be followed by horrible months of psychotic behavior and frightful stalking) or she just doesn’t care about you as much as you think (in which case, enjoy tasting someone else’s sperm because you probably aren’t the only man in her life).

10. Keep those lips sealed.
Don’t go around showing up with Number 2 in your arm at your classmate’s birthday party while Number 1 is vacationing with her family in Boracay. Be content knowing you have a Number 2, don’t try to find the need to brag about it to your friends or rubbing it in their faces. Sure, as a manifestation of their machismo, men see having a Number 2 as an elevation of their status. Plus, you figured men always take care of their own kind, therefore, they’ve got your back covered if ever Number 1 finds out. But, contrary to popular belief, men love to gossip just as much as women. So, be very careful whose face you’re rubbing your Number 2’s cleavage and long legs with. He might be that drunk guy who accidentally spills the beans to a friend of a friend of a friend of your Number 1.

If it’s not obvious yet, this blog is a satire (If you don’t know what a satire is, look it up at Wikipedia or any dictionary, for god’s sake!). Although unlike other people, I believe there is no absolute rule in cheating and that there will always be gray lines in between the black and white, in general, I don’t like cheating when you’re supposedly in an exclusive relationship. I broke up with a few long-term relationships because they’ve cheated on me and I choose not to fall inlove with those who do choose to cheat with me. Losers.

Now, if you’re not in an exclusive relationship, then by all means, cheat away.

None of your girlfriends will probably care anyway.