I won't say I'm inlove

If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history-been there, done that!

I'm lost. I certainly cannot explain it. I have had this stupid grin plastered on my face for the past few days. A certain bounce can be seen on my steps. Everywhere I pass, the flowers bow down in grace, the grass becomes greener and the whole world is splashed with color. Most importantly, my feet do not touch the ground.

Why the hell is this happening to me?

I can't remember any significant event that happened lately.

Well, maybe except for THAT.

But I've already analyzed that incident in my mind way too many times. I figured, it was the thrill of doing something extraordinary, something that brought out mixed feelings within you, something that only you and this person shared... it was that which made it so much more attractive, so much more addictive. There was nothing more to it but a quick surge of adrenaline from the rush of the secrecy, the hidden possibility of something special and a few minutes of lunacy.

You certainly cannot call that love.

Who'd'ya think you're kidding
He's the earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinking of

You see, nakipagholding hands ako.

And when I say holding hands, I mean a few minutes of hand-holding while walking, fingers clasped between those webspaces, with matching good conversation and occasionally staring into each other's eyes, professing how much you missed each other. I was shocked when he did that but a strange feeling that I cannot fathom was overcoming me back then, and it made me forget everyting else, except for the electricity brought about by the touch of his hand with my own.

No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
You swoon, you sigh,
Why deny it? Uh-oh!
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love

You may say, "Ang babaw naman ng kaligayahan ng babaeng ito? Akala ko pa naman, hinalikan na niya." Or the tactless one among you may say, "Hell, NYTM, you've done a lot more far worse than hold hands with your highschool classmates."

And on that note, "Hello RJ! Miss you, my friend!"

Back to the topic at hand. Before you start dismissing me as making deal about nothing and clicking at that X at the upper right corner to shut down your monitor and turn off your PC, hear me out first.

Although I like this guy, THIS GUY ISN'T MY BOYFRIEND.

Actually, he isn't even courting me. And I am still at that phase where with every guy I meet, I'm thinking "Should I, Should I not, Should I, Should I not?" Personally, I don't think we're going anywhere near that road to coupledom.

As a matter of fact, this guy has a girlriend.

I thought my heart had learnt its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out

So, you're thinking, "Ano na naman itong pinasukan mo? Me syota na pala yang kinekereng-keng mo! Di ka pa natuto sa nangyario sa'yo."

Well, in the first place, I don't know why this guy is always flirting with me. I look average compared to most of the girls I know, and although my boobs maybe at the head of the race, next to Nor (Hehehe... Friends tayo, Nor!) still, I was not gifted with a 24-inch waistline to better showcase those milk pillows. Second, I have never initiated anything with this guy. He texts me, so I text back. He tells me he misses me, so I reply that I miss him too. He holds my hand, so therefore, I hold them back. Third, I know he has a girlfriend and that is why I have never allowed him anything more than that brief palmar-to-palmar contact.

Before you start lecturing me on karma, in fairness, I did not allow him to kiss me when he asked for it. I have my limitations as well.

Besides, I didn't want him to.

Oh, you keep on denying
Who you are and how you feel
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That ya got, got, got it bad

Okay, fine, I admit! I wanted him to! It was my utter inability to flirt back that made me lose the courage to let him kiss me, that which made me stop myself from leaning forward and getting that long-awaited lip action.

No chance, no way,
I won't say it
Give up, give in
Check the grin, you're in love
This scene won't play,
I won't say I'm in love
You're doing flips
Read our lips, you're in love

But you know what? Personally, I think the reason why the whole incident with him mattered so much to me was because he gave me the only thing I missed about having a boyfriend:
A few minutes of "public" displays of affection.

You're way off base,
I won't say it
Get off my case,
I won't say it

Plus, that thrill of doing something secret, something forbidden, something that was only between the two of us... that uncertainty, that hidden possibility, the feeling that you have lost total control of yourself... the whole package... it was all very addictive.

Girl, don't be proud
It's okay, you're in love
Oh, at least out loud,
I won't say I'm in love

It certainly had nothing to do with love...